Hell Isn't Even That Funny

I am going to be incredibly cool right now.  How dare me include on my list Chris Glover's Hell Isn't Even That Funny, an album that was never officially released.  So I'm going to provide a link to download it.  The catch?  There's always a catch.  You have to make the same promise I did to Chris.  If you dig this one (and you will), you must purchase his next one.  I'd say that's fair.  He's currently recording under the name Penguin Prison.

Lil Wayne Sucks

The cover story for Rolling Stone this week was on Lil Wayne.  Because I don't listen to the radio or watch MTV, I'm fairly unfamiliar with Weezy, but I read the article 'cause I'm not reading a book at the moment.  Wayne claims he's the "talentedest nigga ever," and while I've only ever listened to one of his songs all the way through, I would disagree.  If I had to give out a Talentedest Nigga Ever Award, I'd probably give it to Booker T. Washington.  Not only was he a guiding force at Tuskegee; he made some fabulous records with the MG's.

In searching for a clip of Lil Wayne performing in a high school production of The Wiz on YouTube, I could not find it, but did find what appears to be a common sub-genre on the site: The "Lil Wayne Sucks" Video.  Apparently a lot of people like to turn on their webcam for up to ten minutes and just start talking shit about Lil Wayne.  So I spent my Easter checking out some of them:

Lil Wayne Is GARBAGE!!! by TrueTalkTV

Gist: Guy knew what he wanted to get across and keeps it brief, but the example he gives of a good rapper (his cousin) isn't any good.

Made it to: 2:02/2:22

Watched: 86%

Views: 20,995

Lil Wayne Sucks by Newpalproductions

Gist: Somebody behind the camera thinks this guy is funny, but not me.

Made it to: 1:41/3:32

Watched: 48%

Views: 161,261

Lil Wayne Sucks Nuts by SquirtlesDad

Gist: He put some time into this one, but that doesn't make it good.  He did make me laugh when he said, "It's pretty old, but ain't growin' hairs."

Made it to: 3:49/5:28

Watched: 70%

Views: 56,844

Lil Wayne Sucks by doggierind

Gist: No one knows where Queequeg or wherever the hell you live is, so we don't care.  What's even worse is this guy is attractive.  He should be out getting some, not making ten-minute-long webcam videos about Lil Wayne.

Made it to: 2:41/9:46

Watched: 27%

Views: 6,850

Lil Wayne Sucks! by Delroy1405

Gist: Delroy is too emotional about it and seems unprepared.

Made it to: 1:05/4:59

Watched: 22%

Views: 1,590

Lil' Wayne by MattLFJr

Gist: Turns out it wasn't a "Lil Wayne Sucks" vid, but I enjoyed everything except for the Lil Wayne part.

Made it to: 1:02/1:02

Watched: 100%

Views: 142

HQ Biscuits! by MattLFJr

Gist: Not Lil Wayne, but this kid cracks me up.

Made it to: 1:06/1:06

Watched: 100%

Views: 193

iMatt by MattLFJr

Gist: "The camera loves you."

Made it to: 1:04/1:04

Watched: 100%

Views: 51

Verdict: Lil Wayne sucks.  "Lil Wayne Sucks" videos suck.  Matt rocks.  See all his videos here.

50 Albums You Didn't Hear Before You Were Brutally Raped & Murdered (11-20)

11. Faded Paper Figures - Dynamo

Why You Didn't Hear It: There has been no press for them like at all.

Why You Should've: It takes the place of the sophomore Postal Service album we'll never get.

12. Blitzen Trapper - Field Rexx

Why You Didn't Hear It: You heard "Furr" on KEXP and liked it, but were too lazy to check out their back catalog.

Why You Should've: Stylistically, it's a perfect balance between the scatterbrained Wild Mountain Nation Blitzen Trapper and the focused Furr Blitzen Trapper.

13. Filomath - Filomath

Why You Didn't Hear It: The lead singer wasn't on American Idol.

Why You Should've: It's pop/rock at its most poppy and most rocking.

14. Animal Liberation Orchestra - Fly Between Falls

Why You Didn't Hear It: You thought all jam bands were Grateful Dead rip-offs.

Why You Should've: ALO know how to jam, but they also prove they can write some amazing songs.

15. Johnathan Rice - Further North

Why You Didn't Hear It: You were lusting after Jenny Lewis so much that you just couldn't believe you weren't her boyfriend.

Why You Should've: When you mix country and rock, you should get this, not that bullshit on CMT.

16. Mike Doughty - Haughty Melodic

Why You Didn't Hear It: You liked Soul Coughing so much that you couldn't bear to try Doughty solo.

Why You Should've: Doughty's poetic lyrics are even better when they're not being smothered by weird samples.

17. Cody Chesnutt - The Headphone Masterpiece

Why You Didn't Hear It: Double-albums scared you.

Why You Should've: After a few listens (with headphones, mind you), you'd realize that this collection of ideas both developed and half-baked truly is a soulful masterpiece.

18. Peter Salett - Heart of Mine

Why You Didn't Hear It: You didn't know Guitar Dude from Wet Hot American Summer was actually a "guitar dude."

Why You Should've: On this one, Peter runs the gamut of folk-rock styles, stringing them together with his expressive voice.

19. Mobius Band - Heaven

Why You Didn't Hear It: You don't visit Daytrotter.

Why You Should've: Extremely catchy songs without ever being pop.

20. Chris Glover - Hell Isn't Even That Funny

Why You Didn't Hear It: Interscope never released it.

Why You Should've: Glover claims he makes music for someone who listens to a lot of different genres, and he's absolutely right on this lost treasure.

Piracy Solution

There's still a U.S. captain being held by pirates off of Somalia.  And everybody's still trying to figure out what to do.  Isn't it obvious?  Throw those fuckers a treasure map.  Pirates love that shit.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (for Real)

An article in the New York Times claims scientists in Brooklyn have been able to tamper with the level of a substance called PKMzeta in animals' brains, effectively erasing their memories.  The hope is that they can extend this to humans, and choose certain unfavorable remembrances (trauma, addiction, etc.) to erase.  In doing so, they also hope to discover ways to strengthen the memory, curbing Alzheimer's and dementia.

Maybe they need to watch the movie before they go all Lacuna, Inc. on us.  Only briefly questioned in the article is the fact that this will require a drug, and once people start erasing particular memories, will they begin experimenting to erase others?  Won't they just be substituting one addiction for another?  Do people not realize that our experiences are what make us who we are?  Look, I'm all for strengthening recall and getting rid of Alzheimer's, but let's work on that before we go erasing the memories we still have.

Stars?

I'm assuming enough of you have heard of Stars, the Canadian indie band on Arts & Crafts, to know whom I'm posting about.  If not, sorry, I figured you had, so I left them off the 50 Albums list.  Heart is their best, though Set Yourself on Fire comes in at a close second.  (I promise I'll finish the list too.  I've been doing the layout of a book all day, and don't feel like dealing with Blogger's photo limitations right now.)

Some time ago, when they were touring, Stars posted a bulletin on MySpace asking for a fan to bring marijuana to that night's show.  Apparently, Torq needs his reefer.  And what did the lucky fan get if they brought Stars some weed?  A t-shirt.  With Stars shirts going for $20 apiece on their website, and a dime bag probably costing around twice as much now, it's an even trade.  But that's just it.  It's a totally even trade.  No free ticket to the show, and now your weed's all gone.  That's actually a shit deal.

Today they posted another bulletin:

hello!
stars are writing our new album in vancouver starting on wednesday and we find ourselves at the last minute bereft of the tools necessary to come up with some more sadomasochistic​ m.o.r. goodness for y'all. here's the pitch: we are looking for two really good guitars, a really good bass guitar, a two channel bass amp, two 2 channel guitar amps, a p.a., a microkorg and a moog odyssey type deal...should anyone of our beautiful western listeners own such things , and feels inclined to lend them to us from the 8th of april til the 18th, you will forever be on the vancouver guest list and receive one of Amy's beautiful smiles of gratitude. help! indie rock is scaring us! if you think you can lend us any of this and get it to our jamspace by wednesday morning, write us back and leave a contact. thanks in advance.​.​.​.​bands.​.​.​those funny little plans...that never seem quite right....
xostars

What?  You didn't bring your fucking instruments to a recording session for your new album?  Maybe you should take a little break from the bud if you're gonna forget your PA system.  At least with this "deal," you actually get on the guestlist.  But wait, let's do some math.  Let's be very generous and assume Stars perform in Vancouver twice a year.  Let's say with service charges, a ticket will run you $35 Canadian.  (Hey, paper's more expensive up there or something.  You've seen how much books cost.)  Let's be even more generous and assume that the 10-year-old Stars (a band whose members all play in other projects) last ten more years.

2 shows x $35 ticket x 10 years = $700

$700 to rent a bass, three amps, two keyboards, and a PA for ten days?  Okay, Stars, but Amy's smile better come with a handjob, and the album better be better than the last one.  And I want my weed back.

50 Albums You Didn't Hear Before You Were Brutally Raped & Murdered

I find lists very interesting, but ranking things is such a subjective sort of process.  Take for instance, Rolling Stone's recent "The 100 Greatest Singers of All Time."  Now it's a given that black people sing better than white people, and that 7 of the top 10 are African-American is a testament to this.  But Bob Dylan is ranked the seventh greatest singer of all time, behind only Elvis Presley and John Lennon as far as honkies.  That means Bob Dylan is the third best white singer ever.  If you're a white person, how does that make you feel?  If you're anybody, how do you feel that Otis Redding is right behind him?

I also find it intriguing when people don't number their lists in any order, but rather, make the list a collective of things to do... or else.  There's a whole series of 1001 Things to Do Before You Die, including albums to hear, buildings to see, foods you must taste, etc.  I like this sort of idea better, but there are usually so many painfully obvious choices on these lists that over half seem a waste.  Of course you have to hear Exodus and see the Parthenon.

Because I love lists, but find problems with both types' shortcomings, I have decided to make my own list, which may be the first of a series, or not, depending upon response.  The list?  "50 Albums You Didn't Hear Before You Were Brutally Raped & Murdered."  This list represents fifty albums that for one reason or another, you probably haven't heard yet, but should.  If you have heard some of these (or even most of these, which seems unlikely), just feel good about yourself.  There aren't any painfully obvious choices on this list.  If they seem obvious, it's probably because you've been hanging around me.  Why the vulgar result?  "Before you die" seems so far off and dismissible.  Plus, this list is a full 951 items less than those others, so there's no reason in today's instant access world why you shouldn't be able to hear these albums within 3 years, the national average waiting period for rape-death. 

I'm gonna do them in order of album name in groups of ten.  Without further chit-chat...

50 Albums You Didn't Hear Before You Were Brutally Raped & Murdered

1. Cloud Cult - Advice from the Happy Hippopotamus

Why You Didn't Hear It: You had DVR and fast-forwarded right past the Esurance commercial featuring "Lucky Today."

Why You Should've: The album came out years before the commercial, and the songs artfully deal with the unexpected death of lead singer Craig Minowa's two year-old son.

2. Nathan Johnson & the Cinematic Underground - Annasthesia

Why You Didn't Hear It: You didn't see Brick, so you were never exposed to Johnson and company.

Why You Should've: It's a modern-day concept album that sounds like Radiohead plus bicycle parts.

3. Jarflys - Anonymous

Why You Didn't Hear It: You didn't know the guy from Jimmie's Chicken Shack had another band.

Why You Should've: Acoustic-based jam-rock shows a softer side of Jimi Haha, and the best stuff he's made since Pushing the Salmonella Envelope.

4. Ben Taylor - Another Run Around the Sun

Why You Didn't Hear It: You were unaware James Taylor and Carly Simon had kids.

Why You Should've: Ben's album recalls his father's records of the '70s, but he still manages to develop his own style.

5. Mankind Liberation Front - Automind

Why You Didn't Hear It: You never listened to my radio show, Jenny Eats Something.

Why You Should've: This "slaptrack" album is mix of electronic, ambient, and rock sounds, and still remains accessible to all listeners.

6. A.M. Sixty - Big as the Sky

Why You Didn't Hear It: You didn't know the guy from Mosquitos made music before he got all bossa nova on your ass.

Why You Should've: Chronicling a whole relationship (lasting one day?), Chris Root's simple lyrics and melodies make this the perfect album for a summer day.

7. Maxïmo Park - A Certain Trigger

Why You Didn't Hear It: For you, the "new British invasion" only meant Arctic Monkeys and Bloc Party.

Why You Should've: Being well-read has never sounded so energetic.

8. The Submarines - Declare a New State!

Why You Didn't Hear It: You don't judge albums by their covers.

Why You Should've: I liked the cover, so I picked up this beautiful account of the two members' real-life relationship/break-up/marriage.

9. Rogue Wave - Descended Like Vultures

Why You Didn't Hear It: Your knowledge of Sub Pop's catalog was limited to Nirvana, the Shins, and the Postal Service.

Why You Should've: Rogue Wave's last Sub Pop album, and first as a full band, is exactly what great indie rock should be.

10. Margot & the Nuclear So & So's - The Dust of Retreat

Why You Didn't Hear It: I'm not so sure 'cause I figured everyone had heard of them, but when I asked you, you hadn't.

Why You Should've: This nine-piece band avoids the wasteful Arcade Fire-influenced group-yelling that seems to be so standard nowadays, and focuses on making 12 beautiful songs that flow together seamlessly. 

Activism Update

Some of you may remember way back before this blog became all about pee and Kid Nation, my first post was about alternate street names.  I received a call yesterday from Capt. Michael Polito of the NYPD.  He let me know that all alternate names are in 911's database, although there is a different way to access them that the 911 operator should've known.  Had she not known, she should've gotten her supervisor.  So essentially, I was right in assuming I was just dealing with an idiot that fateful day.  Polito is now searching for the tape of the call, and he said he'll keep me updated.  So maybe I'm just going to get a stupid 911 operator fired, but at least we'll all be that much safer.