Healthy?

I found this healthy body calculator online, which is pretty neat.  I also find it funny that one of the optional questions is "Do you have any amputated limbs?"  Cutting off a leg seems like an effective way to lose weight.  And what do people without legs put for height?  So yeah, put in your age, gender, weight, height, and limb count, and then see if you're considered healthy.  Or perhaps "overfat."  What a term!  Fill out the extra stuff if you want to find out how to maintain, gain, or lose weight.

Oh, and because I'm sure you're curious:

Accelerated Reader

Want to know more about me besides the fact that I have time to watch Kid Nation and that one time my pee smelled like ham?  You must have found the magic lamp because I'm gonna share a little bit of my past.

When I was a third-grader at Ocean City Elementary School, the fifth-graders were involved in a program called Accelerated Reader.  AR (We never called it that, but I'll do it now.) worked like this: A bunch of books were on the AR list, and they were each assigned points based on the complexity of their content and vocabulary.  Mr. Popper's Penguins would be rated 3 points versus Moby Dick, which was 42.  (I thought Moby Dick was worth more than that, but that's from the current list.  Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is worth 44, which seems bogus.)  After reading a book from the list, a student would sign into a computer program, and take a 20-question test based on the book.  Based on their percentage of correct answers, they would be awarded points, which could then be used at the school's AR store to buy like pencils and shit.  This was strictly a fifth grade thing.

Until one day I was asked to go down to Mr. Gibbons' fifth grade classroom to see him about something.  Acclaimed four square guru, Mr. Gibbons explained the program to me, and asked if I'd like to try it out.  I obliged and read Mr. Popper's Penguins.  I took the test, aced it, and got 3 points.  I started reading more books and taking more tests.  I started reading Moby Dick, but when I reached page 200 and they weren't even on the boat yet, I lost my desire to see the Great White Whale.  The fifth-graders began recommending me novels to read.  "Has a book ever made you cry?"  "No," I said, adding because I'm not a wuss in my head.  "Read Bridge to Terabithia or Where the Red Fern Grows."  I read both.  I think I tried to force myself to cry.  Their plan to extend AR into other grades appeared to be working, at least with me.  My two best friends were then asked to participate.  By the end of the year, it was school-wide.  And at the end of the year, I had 122 points, the fourth most in the school.

Fourth grade was a rough year for me.  My teacher was evil, and it took the majority of the nighttime hours to complete her homework to my liking.  I also became interested in girls and music more, which are both cooler than books.  I still believe this to be true.  I got like 36 points or so, enough for a t-shirt.  Hell, the fat kid, Justin Rupp, even had more points than me.  It was okay though 'cause I still got straight E's (same as A's).

Fifth grade came around, and I was now really in Mr. Gibbons' class.  When I wasn't learning the astonishing four square moves that I continue to use to this day, I was reading, determined to get the most points in the school.  Dr. Scott, the principal, even challenged us: If the school earned 5000 points, he would don a 1930s bathing suit, jump into a pool of chocolate pudding, and sing "I'm a Little Teapot."  (That's totally true.)  So I read.  And kept on reading.  I got the most points in the school at 286, for which I was awarded a plaque and a lifetime membership to the Dork Club.  The paper thermometer burst out the top, we learned "I'm a Little Teapot" in band, and Dr. Scott followed through on his promise.  And wouldn't you know it?  The top reader in each class got a can of whipped cream to spray on him.  It was a delightful, food-wasting mess.  We had the coolest custodial technician in the world, Mr. Smack, to clean it up.  What made him so cool?  I used to think it was just 'cause he was really nice, but now I think it's because he was allowed to wear a hat in school.

I had a habit of saving up my points until the end of the year, and then go on an Accelerated Reader store shopping spree.  Unfortunately, most of the cool stuff was always gone by then and I'd end up with Miss Piggy notepads and erasers that didn't erase.  Like so many that I'm still using them 14 years later.  So they felt bad that I was reading so much, and had nothing but stupid crap to offer me.  What did I need a bookmark for if I didn't stop reading?  So they created three new purchases, essentially just for me: For 50 points, I could be principal for half a day.  For 40, I could be gym teacher for half a day.  For 35, librarian.  I was principal once and gym teacher twice.  Librarian seemed a waste, even to the best reader in the school.

Obviously, every child wants to be principal of their school.  I got to read the morning announcements, which was a thrill, and I suppose the start of my voiceover career.  Then I got to accompany Dr. Scott on his rounds of the school, stopping in each classroom to observe that the curriculum was being followed, or at least to show off my celebrity status to the entire student body.  That was cool.  Then I went back to Dr. Scott's office, where he pulled out a large plastic Ocean Spray bottle that had been refilled with water.  "My doctor said I should drink 8 glasses a day," he explained.  I nodded, confused.  He then moved over to a smaller desk with a computer on it.  "This is what I do as principal.  Right now I'm proofreading a letter to send out to parents."  Is this a joke?  Nope.  He quietly read the document and made his corrections.  What a downer.  When I went back to class for that second half of the day, the questions charged at me like a stampede: "How was it?"  "What was the office like?"  "Did you like reading the announcements?"  Of course, I oversold my temporary post: "It was magnificent."

What a reality check.  I think that's when I decided I didn't want to be a teacher anymore.  If this was the daily existence of the head of a school's administration, one who earned a doctorate degree, no less, what would a normal teacher's life be like?  Principals and vice principals of elementary schools did not lead the glamourous life we all assumed they did.  I could've just looked back to first grade for confirmation, though.  The vice principal, Mrs. Bassett, drove me in her car when I won third prize in the Assateague Island Poster Contest, and her car wasn't even amazing.  When it turned into a plane, the wings didn't even come all the way out.

Meet Jared.

This is Jared Rosenberg.  His favorite show is Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.  He is Jimmy Fallon's eighth biggest fan.

Bonanza is Disgusting!

EPISODE SIX

That's the name of episode six.  Let's see what this is about.  Zach, the new Yellow leader, gets to ring the bell.  "I'm not listening to you Zach!  I don't like you!" screams Taylor.  She tells him that all the girls and Colton hate him.  Okay, so all the stuck-up girls and the intolerant sheep wrangler hate him?  And yet he still beat her in votes.  "Shave the unibrow," she says, the girls giggling.  And once again, kids being made fun of for their appearances (and the oddest part is he doesn't even have a unibrow).  Bonanza is disgusting.  Oh, shit, this is the real problem.  The trash heap is full of rats.  DK fears the mess will attract coyotes.  So my question regarding whether the book they always consult dictates their actions or whether they dictate the book's teachings appears to have been answered.  "You've got new leaders," reads Zach from its pages.  So hopefully the kids were talking about religion first, and that's what spurred the entry on holding a group service.  Although it doesn't justify the fact that it claimed the original inhabitants didn't survive because they didn't take the time to pray.  Anyway, now it says they should clean the trash bin, which is more of a heap, like I mentioned.  Anjay suggests they get some gunpowder to blow it up.  Stupid Anjay.  Zach says they should bury the rubbish outside of town.  Maybe near the Pizza Hut?  They're going to take the two strongest kids from each district, and Taylor and Leila 'cause they're little bitches, and make them do it.  Taylor tries to make an excuse.  "Deal with it, Taylor," says Laurel.  I didn't know Leila was a pageant girl too.  Probably 'cause she's not pretty.  Guylan can't dig like a man.  This will likely be his last week as Red leader.  He just quit digging.  What a fucking loser.  Leila decided to come help out.  I guess she realized she has no future as a beauty queen.  There's some tank in town that needs filled with water for some reason.  I don't know what it's for.  Taylor's punishment is to fill it up, hauling buckets from the pump.  Taylor is being a whiny piece of shit.  "I'm going home."  I hope she does.  The townspeople will be collectively uglier, but at least I won't have to hear her scream anymore.  Everyone in the town is hauling water now, though I still don't know what the tank is for.  Maybe they fill up the tank with water from the pump, so they don't have to go all the way to the pump all the time.

Showdown time.  A giant frying pan is full of 1600 gallons of pork and beans.  Wait, that's just the beans.  Live pigs are the pork.  "That's not Kosher, Jonathan," says Zach.  Karsh laughs in his face.  I wonder if Jewish people aren't allowed to be in the same frying pan as pigs.  There are cans of each district's color hidden in the pan, and they have to find as many as possible, one person at a time, in 15 minutes.  If the town collects 75 cans total, they get a reward.  This is funny.  But the pigs don't appear to be doing much, just hanging out.  Guylan just said he lived on a zoo.  What?  Anjay cannot find a can to save his life.  "I don't have that much muscle because my bones are still forming," he says in an interview, and then roughly pushes a pig.  Red seems to be the clear leader.  Nathan, some kid I've never seen, wasted five minutes, so Greg dives headfirst into the beans.  Little Alex hates pigs.  3 seconds...

That slo-mo part was not on the show.  Isn't Karsh a dick?  He's counting the nasty cans.  17 for Blue.  Everyone is counting along.  24 for Red.  19 for Yellow.  The Green district needs 15 cans for the reward.  I'm sure it'll happen.  20 for Green.  Okay, reward time.  A choice.  Forty ice cream cakes or a 5-gallon bucket of Carmex?  I wish.  It's actually "every fruit and vegetable imaginable" or two gas-powered dune buggies with unlimited gas.  "They're not great for the environment and you'll pollute a little bit," Karsh says.  "A choice between Mother Earth and fossil fuels."  This is lame.  It's like not even a choice.  Fucking two go-karts for forty kids?  Food is the obvious choice.  "I don't want to contribute to global warming," yells Sophia.  I don't want to hear anything you have to say ever again.  Racist Colton and his hick friends want the buggies.  Fruits it is!  "You guys are dull-minded as hell," mumbles Colton, the same Colton who belittled the entire Jewish faith, and nearly got trampled by a bull.  Everyone seems happy to grab a handful of fresh produce.

Day 18.  As Yellow are now cooks, Zach appointed Taylor, Leila, and Sophie to wash the dishes.  They start making fruit salad just to be cunts.  Sorry, I don't normally use that word, but Taylor is a cunt.  Emilie, the fatty, is throwing soda all over the kid with the mohawk, who just hurt himself.  DK grew up with six brothas and sistas.  "I'm starting to hate it here.  I could be at home, just laughing and having a good time with my family.  I don't need this right now."  Again, that's what makes this show so upsetting.  You want the kids to leave.  You want them to be kids.  Not whiny cunts making fruit salad.  DK seems to be the standout for gold star, unanimous even.  Let's hope he doesn't leave before they give it to them.  That would be funny as shit.  Everyone hates Taylor, including me.  Kill her!  Kill her!  Hold a trial and put her to death!  It's getting really loud and annoying.  DK stands up and tells everyone to stop being so mean.  Karsh asks, "Are you ALL committed to building Bonanza City and making a better world?"  Please, tell me how being on this show makes a better world.  Please.  "Or is it too hard for some of you?  Is the criticism too much?" Karsh adds.  I hate this fucker.  What kind of man can even agree to be such an asshole?  He reminds me of Al Gore.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  DK wants to go home.  Who are they gonna give the star to now?  Commercial.

"Why?" questions Karsh.  "I wanna go home to people I can be with without having to deal with all this drama.  I'm sick of it.  I wanna go home."  A huge tear bursts from his eye, likely drenching the kid in front of him.  He breaks down.  "It's just frustrating.  It's real frustrating."  Taylor bawls too, as DK was the one who stopped the town's lambasting.  Guylan asks if he can talk to him.  Donkey Kong nods.  They exit.  Taylor tells the room that DK is "the funnest one to be around," which is met with a glare from Leila.  Outside: "You don't understand.  I'm sick of it."  Guylan pleads with him to "give Bonanza a chance."  DK comes back into the barn.  "Some of you people are some of the most beautiful people I've ever met in my entire life."  Cut to Taylor.  "And I'm willing to stay for you."  At least he got 20 grand out of it.  He can leave next week.  "I do have six brothers and sisters at home, and I do wanna see them all go to college."  Okay, what kind of college does he expect them to go to, the fart school?  You can't even go to clown college on that.  His mom looks just like him.  "Congratulations on your golden star.  You didn't need that; you already a star."  She's nice like him too.  Guylan: "I think this is a milestone for kids.  United we stand, divided we fall."  Bonanza is disgusting.

Kind of a Big Deal

A new article came out in the New York Times today.  Reportedly, Barack Obama relies heavily on teleprompters during his speeches and does not deviate from what's written.  Where have I heard of something like this before?  Oh, yeah...

Let's hope Hillary doesn't pull a Veronica Corningstone.  Although "Go fuck yourself, America," would make a great slogan for these.

Cold Sore Nation

EPISODE FIVE

Day 14.  Zach, 10, goes to wake up Taylor and the Yellow bitches.  Oh, no.  Anjay's lip looks really bad.  No one respects him.  Time to read the old book.  It suggests a district reelection.  Anjay is worried that Olivia will dethrone him.  Food fight!  Anjay is getting pummeled with foodstuffs.  And he threw stuff back.  Olivia is upset. The council tells the kids that they are gonna have a reelection, which is met with thunderous applause.  That twat, Sophia: "How many of you are confident that you'll maintain your positions of authority?"  Mike is stupid enough to think he won't be replaced.  Zach is practicing his campaign speech.  Laurel is scared as fuck.  With three gold star winners on her team, it's pretty obvious she's gone.  Her group members are too nice though, and decide she's fit for the job.  Really, it's not like they do anything special except wake everyone up.  Olivia's being a bitch in her stupid orange cowgirl hat.  Anjay is praying to his many gods, and she lets him know she's gonna run against him.  "Shut up!" he screams.  The existing council members are making their speeches.  Mike isn't worried.  Guylan, who addressed Mike the first day as "sir," raises his hand to oppose him.  Now Mike's pissing his pants I'm sure.  "I would attempt to make this more of a democracy rather than a dictatorship," Guylan says to the onlookers, including a grinning DK.  Mike's about to cry like a spoiled little Hitler.  Anjay promises to do his best in the future, but Olivia steps up and claims it's not a popularity contest, which is always what the popular kid says.  Taylor's turn.  She begs for another chance, and Zach steps to the stage, doing his best Obama.  "Don't tell me that you're gonna vote for me; tell me that you agree with me."  I just noticed he's wearing his shirt inside-out because it probably had a logo on it CBS didn't want to pay for.  Taylor's interview: "Yeah, that was a good speech, but it's not the best I've ever heard."  What oratory masterpiece did she expect?  Mike fights back tears as he has a chat with Guylan.  "You seem like a good follower."  Guylan replies, "I don't like following people; I like helping people."  Mike sucks back snot as he makes the bold statement, "You can't be easily damaged if you're a council member."  Some girls just did cocaine, or at least they rubbed some white powder on their gums.

Piñatas!  There are 300 piñatas in a field, some with pictures of presidents inside.  The kids have to collect seven presidents.  Okay.  And then the district leader has to put them in historical order.  "Oh, shoot!" objects Pharaoh.  His leader is Taylor.  Karsh: "Taylor, who's the president now?"  "George Bush," she laughs.  "Who was before Bush?"  "I have no clue."  Looks like Yellow will be cleaning the toilets.  Laurel just crossed herself at the sound of the whistle.  Teddy Roosevelt, my personal favorite president, is the first one to be found.  Poor little Alex can't crack a piñata.  Zach is shouting the order out to Taylor.  He's gonna be the real president someday.  Not of some silly Kid Nation, but the United States.  Maybe Michael will be his veep.    Yellow and Green both have all the cards.  Let's see who's got 'em right.  Taylor crosses her fingers for luck.  It worked!  Kelsey, the racist Asian, says that even though Zach won it for them, that doesn't mean he's the best leader.  "Look at George W. Bush.  He's not smart at all, but he won the U.S. president two times in a row."  She's right there, but she's wrong about Zach.  It's because he's Jewish.  Green comes in second.  Red's third.  Can Blue get it in time for the reward?  Hooray!  What is it this time?  Choice one: Ribs, chicken, hamburgers, and hot dogs.  Or?  A former president's library?  Nope.  Toothbrushes, mouthwash, toothpaste, and floss.  Taylor's opinion: "We can have meat whenever we want.  Once we lose our teeth, we can't get 'em back.  Kill a chicken."  Smartest thing she's said so far, but there's no way the producers let these kids go over 2 weeks without brushing.  Only the older kids are happy.  Except for DK.  He's pissed.

Zach comes and wishes Taylor luck, giving her a chance to improve.  Apparently, he only needs one female vote to win.  Will cooties be his downfall?  He pleads with a girl.  "If you want to vote Taylor 'cause she wakes you up late, do it.  But if you want me to be a leader 'cause I can clean this place up and make it a good place to live, you can do that."  Haha.  I hope they do have the option to live there after the forty days are up.  Kids really have no concept of time.  Guylan spends time on the campaign trail, cutting potatoes with the black kids.  Sophia asks Anjay if he thinks he's a better leader than Olivia.  "Please don't talk to me about Olivia when I have this in my hand," he says, referring to the large knife he's using to prepare dinner.  The kids make posters.  Taylor's have "Deal with it!," her self-proclaimed motto at the bottom.  Who would ever vote for anyone with such a dictum?  Markelle, who isn't even in her district, rips it down, and starts pogo-sticking on top of it.  Whoa, an uncensored "bullshit" got through on Kid Nation?  I'm making a clip of this.

There.  It took a little bit of work, so please watch it.  Markelle rips the poster in half and Leila, the girl who made it, runs away crying.  Anjay attempts order: "Is this what Bonanza City was supposed to be?  People ripping down other people's posters?  This is everything the real world is!"  This is the real world?  Greg's caressing Leila now, in attempts to score... a gold star.  The talk is all Greg, and Mike is still keeping it from him.  Zach is the other choice.  They're giving away the star before the election.  Greg.  About time.  Mike cringes.  Blaine, Greg's lover, cheers for him.  "You guys have no idea what this means to me.  This star right here means I'm going to college," he manages to proclaim in a rare, teary moment from the chicken slaughterer.  He's gonna call his dad, but first, election time!  You like how they did this bullshit too?  Only two candidates per district to simulate two-party representative democracy.  I guess this is the real world.  Guylan's name is too hard to spell.  That might be the only thing going against him.  Karsh is counting the votes one at a time like his hero, Jeff Probst.  Anjay beats Olivia by a landslide.  Anjay: "I will respect your opinions in the future."  "I don't believe you," she smirks.  He shakes his head and makes an irritated little kid noise.  Olivia laughs at him.  This is how people turn crazy.  Guylan is whooping Mike's ass.  The kids are laughing heartily at his expense.  Mike puts his head on the table, as he's the only one who voted for himself.  "That sucked so bad!  I don't know if I'm doing something wrong."  No one likes you 'cause you're a dickwad who doesn't do anything and cries all the time.  Now the close race we've been waiting for.  It's tied 4 to 4 between Taylor and Zach.  Will eloquence overcome female solidarity?  Yes!  Zach wins.  Deal with it!  Randi, 11, the girl he talked to before, voted for him.  Circle, circle, dot, dot, bitches!  Too bad it doesn't work on canker sores. 

Kid Nation Under God

EPISODE FOUR

Okay, so unless this show gets better than the last episode and fast, I'm gonna stop watching.  Let's try number 4.  I've realized that what makes the show uninteresting is the fact that more kids aren't dropping out.  It's not much of a competition if everyone sticks it out.  And I'd like to see more kids leave for the simple fact that they can spend time with their friends.  Aha!  I figured it out.  These are the kids who have no friends.  They are the outcasts of their schools or they are home-schooled.  Their parents put them into this mess as an attempt at social skill development.  And the kids aren't leaving because they're accepted here and "vital" to the city's survival.  That has to be it.  So let's watch number 4, which actually has some clips on YouTube.

Part One

Sophia and Morgan walk to the spigot, and Morgan asks Sophia if she believes in God.  Nope.  Material things like bags and bikes are her deities.  Morgan sounds vaguely suicidal as she says she can't figure out her reason and doesn't deserve to be here.  Is she talking about the silly Wild West playset or the planet?  Is all this because she didn't get the gold star?  Jared is Jewish.  Guylan, 11, doesn't think religion should be a part of Bonanza City.  Zach seems worldly and Colton seems anti-semitic.  Zach flips Colton off.  A girl hits Zach.  "Christians rule!" Colton and an Asian girl high five.  "Jew crew!" shout the Jewish kids.  The Asian girl is racist, saying Christians are better.  Okay, this is getting dramatic, but I hope the CBS execs didn't put them up to this.

After that clip, the council goes to the chapel to look at the book.  Fuck, it is CBS.  The book tells them the town didn't survive because the pioneers didn't pray.  What the fuck?  This is sick.  But I have to see how bad this gets.  Well, maybe Laurel could start praying that her cold sores get better.  Girl's lower lip looks ready to fall off.  The book suggests the children hold a service.  I feel very uncomfortable now.

Part Two

The council suggests one big religious service with speakers from each denomination.  Sophia the atheist hangs her head.  "Is anyone completely against this?"  Divad, 11, says you can't put different religions together because it will start fights.  She asks, "Would you put Democrats and Republicans in the same room together?"  Um, yeah, it's called Congress.  I suppose your nation won't have one of those.  Alex, 9, speaks with a wisdom beyond his one permanent tooth, suggesting, "There are a lot of things central to all religions.  We could just focus on those instead of focusing on the differences."  Olivia is Christian and doesn't want to learn anything about other religions.  The producers of this show are terrible.  Stop watching when Mike starts ringing the bell.  For some reason, the YouTuber cut this scene out:

Part Three

Alex just used the word "yuck-stuff."  I love this kid.  As Kid Nation's first census taker, he's doing a religious survey.  "I'm Jewish."  "Orthodox or progressive?"  This kid is amazing.  I hope he gets the gold star.  He's even allowed spaces for Sunni and Shia Muslims.  Really, if these kids can get Sunnis and Shiites to live together, then there is truly no reason for war.

Okay, now go back to Mike ringing the bell.  This one girl is used to Pentecostal services and doesn't want to be around Jewish people.  Did she know Jared was Jewish when she laughed at his antics?  Did she know Zach was Jewish when he organized the kids to lift the outhouses?  Whoa!  Some kid bought the pogo-stick!  It's gross to see kids laughing at other religions.  No one at all showed up for the service.  Laurel's herpes have spread to her top lip.  I wonder if she even has a face in the last episode.

When that clip ends, the kids continue arguing.  Here's a suggestion: Have whatever individual services you want, but don't force people to have one or attend.  It's not like they're hiring a priest or something.  Could you imagine that?  A priest in Kid Nation.

Part Four

Suicidal Morgan is holding an optional service by the bonfire.  Hopefully she doesn't jump in.  This is how they should've done it in the first place.  If kids want to pray, they'll pray.  If they don't, they won't.  Kids of different religious groups are now at the fire praying.  It seems to be pleasant.  The black kid (not DK) wants good grits and good everything.  Will Morgan win the gold star for her bonfire service?  And if she gets snubbed again, will she slit her wrists?

DK just tried to gets some jellybeans, but the white shop-owner girl told him he didn't have enough money.  Bitch, please.  I'm eating cookies now.  Perhaps their minty, chocolatey goodness will dispel the sour taste from my mouth.  This showdown is religion-based.  Ewww.  The kids have to build a steeple out of puzzle pieces.  Anjay says he follows the rules of all puzzles.  Puzzles have rules?  I was unaware.  Sophia has never done a puzzle in her life it appears.  Karsh: "Green finally figuring it out!"  Blue is in the lead.  Now they have to raise the puzzle into the air.  Red is raising as well.  It's neck and neck, but Blue wins.  Red nabs second, and Mike is thrilled not to scrub toilets anymore.  It appears as if Yellow is going to beat Green.  But they are tiny kids.  Can they crank fast enough?  The black kid who loves grits is named Pharaoh.  Yellow are cooks again even though they don't cook shit.  Green loses, but the town is getting a reward.  A choice.  Karsh: "This choice is all about instant gratification versus spiritual salvation."  Don't tell me they're going to start selling indulgences in the candy store.  Choice one: A mini-golf course!  This nation fucking rocks!  Even if Jesus is behind door number 2, that's gonna be hard to beat.  Choice 2: A library of holy books.  Mini-golf!  Mini-golf!  The council has smartened up and will let the kids decide.  "Golf!" they chant.  Zach, 10, says in an interview, "To me, those books are truly important.  If you don't make the right choice, this town will fail just like it did in the 1890s."  HAHAHAHAHA!!!  Let's do this democratically.  Of course, that's all these children know, being American citizens.  The kids choose the books?  Fuck this shit.  This might be the end of my Kid Nation-watching.  Anjay is Hindu, and says there are 330 million gods.  Wow, I'm even learning stuff from this show.  I don't know if I believe him though since he's a kid.  They do say the darndest things.

In a sidestep from religion, Cody cries a river as he reads a letter from his girlfriend that he received two days before he became a colonist.  He's 9.  "I've liked her ever since third grade."  Really?  A whole year ago?  Here's a clip I found of this sissy.

He's gonna go drink a root beer to "get her off my mind."  The way we train our children to be alcoholics is great, isn't it?  His friend fights back laughter and suggests, "Going to look at cows is fun."  Zach is the only Yellow working in the kitchen, which is making everyone even more pissed at Taylor.  Where is she?  Why, she's at the bar.  "Why are you sitting around doing shots?" they question as she sips soda.  She laughs.  What would a nation be without white trash?  Zach is upset, and is searching for people to help him clean the dishes.  "I was gonna read these," Mike says, conveniently carrying two holy books.  Zach eventually gathers some people together to help, and there is serious gold star talk for this kid.  Perhaps he'll even replace Taylor as Yellow district leader.

"Dance of the Sugarplum" plays as snow falls upon Bonanza City.  The council is finally considering Greg for the star, but Mike still hates him.  He's not gonna get it anyway.  The editing does not reflect such an outcome.  The kids are turning on the council, especially Taylor.  She just threatened Zach with cleaning toilets.  Karsh:  "Taylor, you either have a really thick skin or you just don't listen."  I'm finally starting to like the host.  "Would anybody like to go home?"  Cody raises his hand and whimpers.  He has cold sores too.  And now he's gonna go back and spread them to his girlfriend.  "The longest I've been away from home was a week, but I was with my grandma, so I wasn't away from home at all."  Karsh asks Cody to come to the front.  "Do you feel relieved?  Is this a good thing?"  Okay, this is upsetting, and I hate Karsh again.  Let the poor kid go home.  He's upset because he'll never see the friends he made there ever again.  Apparently that's in the CBS contract too.  His cow-watching buddy cries.  Karsh gives him a half-ass hug and says he'll miss him.  Man, his cow friend is really taking this hard.  Karsh asks, "Are you gonna still tough this out and be here till the end?"  Let these children be.  They're just kids for 330 million gods' sakes.  "Sad to see Cody leave, but we do have one more piece of business that should put a smile on one of your faces," Karsh offers to the sobbing room.  Morgan wins.  Good, now she won't kill herself... at least on national television.  Zach is noticeably miffed, but he'll get over it.  Morgan's acceptance speech: "I have the best friends in the world here, and I'll never leave you, I promise."  Like I said, outcasts.  Campbell, 10, Cody's friend, settles in the bar, filling a shot glass with root beer from a large bottle.  Jared invents his own game of mini-golf with a jawbreaker, a board, and a cup.  I like his ingenuity.

I don't, however, like Kid Nation.  Is it really better for 10-year-olds to argue about religion and clean toilets for nickels than to experience puppy love and play miniature golf?  No fucking way.  That's not to say I'm going to stop just yet.  I didn't like the first six episodes of Lost, but I gave it a chance, and it got better.  But I am going to stop for today.

Kid Reservation

EPISODE THREE

Episode 3 is called "Deal with It!" I wonder what "it" is. I hope it's a snake. My Jamestown comment makes me question why the show takes pace in the Wild West. Shouldn't Kid Nation be established on the mosquito-infested shores of Virginia? And if not, why have the children been denied use of some significant advances in modern technology, like computers? If you're establishing a new country, it's not like you're going to completely ignore the utility of such inventions. Anyway, let's watch. Err, let me watch. This one's not on YouTube either.

The bonus match 5 on 10.03.07 was 01-07-13-17-34-05 in case you were wondering. Cody and Greg appear to have cold sores as well. Where did they find all these herpes-ridden children? Party at the root beer saloon! Kids are doing shots of root beer. What a great way to train them to be adults. Olivia and Mallory are smart, saving their energy for tomorrow's challenge. The town's a fucking disaster. Jared got four hours of sleep. The black girl is gonna kick Greg. The council looks at the Bible, which tells them to set a curfew. The first law in Bonanza City is that bed time is set at 9:30.

Next Clip

Awww, Greg just said the b-word! Wow, they just blurred his mouth out for something. It made Sophia cry. Greg just got bleeped. Morgan and Mallory hate curse words. Shit, this is turning into a regular reality show. Laurel thinks the town needs some Law & Order, or maybe just law and order. "I'm not here to hurt anyone. I'm here to help build the town," Greg says. It's weird how serious he is about this.

The kids don't like the 9:30 law, but Colton tells them to get over it. Now, he's off scaring some cows. Shit, a bull. "Colton, back up!" Why don't they kill a fucking bull; then they won't have to cry about the chickens. Kids are throwing flour all around the kitchen, and Mallory is cleaning it up even though she's in the upper tier. So I just searched for some of this on YouTube, but all I could find was this.

Shit like that disturbs me. Kids each get a handful of hashbrowns for breakfast. "Deal with it!" ejaculates Taylor. Yes, a cool challenge, though kind of mean. The kids have to wrangle sheep with cards around their necks. What's the mean part? Each sheep has a name written on its back. Colton just rocked the shit out of a sheep. Greg's chin gash looks worse. No one's very good at this. Yellow is in the lead, which will at least give them the right to continue doing nothing. Blue and Yellow are tied for first, the other teams tied for last. Yellow wins! Deal with it! Karsh's color commentary seems unnecessarily rotten. Blue grabs second. It's down to Red and the perpetual losers, Green. Green gets third and finally Sophia can get back in the kitchen and out of the outhouse. Sevens seconds left! They get the reward. What'll it be? A choice. A microwave and a barrel of cocoa... or forty pizzas! Take the warm, savory cheese pizzas. Or break the damn lock on the phone room like I said. The kids are chanting, "Pizza!" They choose the microwave? Who's gonna eat all that pizza? A better question: Where is the nearest pizzeria? If it's close enough to be hot, leave Bonanza City and hit up Pizza Hut, man. If breadsticks were included, pizza would've been a done deal. Mike: "It's so hard being a council leader. No one likes you." No one liked you before you became the village asshole either. Your parents would rather you live with rattlesnakes for forty days than put up with your whining. Taylor just said President Bush has to be bossy to get people's attention. If only she were a diplomat to the Middle East. I wonder what Kid Nation would be like in Obama's United States. Morgan seems to be a possible gold star prospect. She's a great dishwasher. Sophia is trying to barter for a bag at Mallory's store. She'll pay five cents. "Twenty-five," says Mallory. "I can't stand that kid," Sophia confesses to the camera. Sophia is the snake. Yes, a storm! "It's a twister! It's a twister!" exclaims an overly dramatic Jared. The outhouses have blown over. You can hear the flies buzzing as the old kids try to right them. Do little kids really shit that much? Cody, 9, hates the weather and misses his friends, but he says, "I've already got a family in Bonanza City."

There's a line outside the chapel. Maybe they're going to confession. Nope, they're asking the citizens who they'd nominate for the gold star. Most are saying Morgan. What will Morgan say? "Everybody out there deserves a gold star." But it's going to be Mallory's ninth birthday. Okay, here's where I get angry. Who sends their kid away to the desert on their fucking ninth birthday? The town is turning on Taylor. She's weeping. "Taylor, you're doing a bad job. Deal with it!" Ooh, how does your own poison taste? Awkward moment as the kids stare at her tear-drenched countenance. "All I gotta say is I'm sorry," she tries. "Well, what are you gonna do about it?" quips a sassy Sophia. "We're gonna start helping clean up the town," she says. Some undeserved applause makes her smile. Karsh: "I know most of you are committed to making Bonanza City a better place, but is this too tough for anyone?" Committed to making Bonanza City a better place? I think I'm gonna keep watching, but I'm beginning to understand the controversy now. If a kid rightfully wants to spend time with their family and friends, they are shunned for leaving the artificial city they came to create. Sometimes a game just gets to be too much. Does anybody want to go home? Nope. Who's gonna get the star: assiduous dishwasher Morgan or relentless entrepreneur Mallory? Close-ups of each, please. Thank you. Pity vote for the birthday girl. A disgusted Greg licks his herpe. Oh, yeah, Olivia is Mallory's real-life sister, which means her parents sent two kids away to increase their odds at winning more money and scarring their children for life. Greg is whining. He looks like Butt-Head. Like a lot. There's a window in the phone room. Seriously, smash that shit. Her mom and dad are both there. Mom: "It's been a little weird with them gone." She cries. It's almost like CBS stole her children from her. Dad: "At 3:00 everyday I hear the school bus go by, but it doesn't stop." Wait, these kids are missing school for this? I hate this country.