Sunday, March 8, 2009

Bonanza is Disgusting!


That's the name of episode six.  Let's see what this is about.  Zach, the new Yellow leader, gets to ring the bell.  "I'm not listening to you Zach!  I don't like you!" screams Taylor.  She tells him that all the girls and Colton hate him.  Okay, so all the stuck-up girls and the intolerant sheep wrangler hate him?  And yet he still beat her in votes.  "Shave the unibrow," she says, the girls giggling.  And once again, kids being made fun of for their appearances (and the oddest part is he doesn't even have a unibrow).  Bonanza is disgusting.  Oh, shit, this is the real problem.  The trash heap is full of rats.  DK fears the mess will attract coyotes.  So my question regarding whether the book they always consult dictates their actions or whether they dictate the book's teachings appears to have been answered.  "You've got new leaders," reads Zach from its pages.  So hopefully the kids were talking about religion first, and that's what spurred the entry on holding a group service.  Although it doesn't justify the fact that it claimed the original inhabitants didn't survive because they didn't take the time to pray.  Anyway, now it says they should clean the trash bin, which is more of a heap, like I mentioned.  Anjay suggests they get some gunpowder to blow it up.  Stupid Anjay.  Zach says they should bury the rubbish outside of town.  Maybe near the Pizza Hut?  They're going to take the two strongest kids from each district, and Taylor and Leila 'cause they're little bitches, and make them do it.  Taylor tries to make an excuse.  "Deal with it, Taylor," says Laurel.  I didn't know Leila was a pageant girl too.  Probably 'cause she's not pretty.  Guylan can't dig like a man.  This will likely be his last week as Red leader.  He just quit digging.  What a fucking loser.  Leila decided to come help out.  I guess she realized she has no future as a beauty queen.  There's some tank in town that needs filled with water for some reason.  I don't know what it's for.  Taylor's punishment is to fill it up, hauling buckets from the pump.  Taylor is being a whiny piece of shit.  "I'm going home."  I hope she does.  The townspeople will be collectively uglier, but at least I won't have to hear her scream anymore.  Everyone in the town is hauling water now, though I still don't know what the tank is for.  Maybe they fill up the tank with water from the pump, so they don't have to go all the way to the pump all the time.

Showdown time.  A giant frying pan is full of 1600 gallons of pork and beans.  Wait, that's just the beans.  Live pigs are the pork.  "That's not Kosher, Jonathan," says Zach.  Karsh laughs in his face.  I wonder if Jewish people aren't allowed to be in the same frying pan as pigs.  There are cans of each district's color hidden in the pan, and they have to find as many as possible, one person at a time, in 15 minutes.  If the town collects 75 cans total, they get a reward.  This is funny.  But the pigs don't appear to be doing much, just hanging out.  Guylan just said he lived on a zoo.  What?  Anjay cannot find a can to save his life.  "I don't have that much muscle because my bones are still forming," he says in an interview, and then roughly pushes a pig.  Red seems to be the clear leader.  Nathan, some kid I've never seen, wasted five minutes, so Greg dives headfirst into the beans.  Little Alex hates pigs.  3 seconds...

That slo-mo part was not on the show.  Isn't Karsh a dick?  He's counting the nasty cans.  17 for Blue.  Everyone is counting along.  24 for Red.  19 for Yellow.  The Green district needs 15 cans for the reward.  I'm sure it'll happen.  20 for Green.  Okay, reward time.  A choice.  Forty ice cream cakes or a 5-gallon bucket of Carmex?  I wish.  It's actually "every fruit and vegetable imaginable" or two gas-powered dune buggies with unlimited gas.  "They're not great for the environment and you'll pollute a little bit," Karsh says.  "A choice between Mother Earth and fossil fuels."  This is lame.  It's like not even a choice.  Fucking two go-karts for forty kids?  Food is the obvious choice.  "I don't want to contribute to global warming," yells Sophia.  I don't want to hear anything you have to say ever again.  Racist Colton and his hick friends want the buggies.  Fruits it is!  "You guys are dull-minded as hell," mumbles Colton, the same Colton who belittled the entire Jewish faith, and nearly got trampled by a bull.  Everyone seems happy to grab a handful of fresh produce.

Day 18.  As Yellow are now cooks, Zach appointed Taylor, Leila, and Sophie to wash the dishes.  They start making fruit salad just to be cunts.  Sorry, I don't normally use that word, but Taylor is a cunt.  Emilie, the fatty, is throwing soda all over the kid with the mohawk, who just hurt himself.  DK grew up with six brothas and sistas.  "I'm starting to hate it here.  I could be at home, just laughing and having a good time with my family.  I don't need this right now."  Again, that's what makes this show so upsetting.  You want the kids to leave.  You want them to be kids.  Not whiny cunts making fruit salad.  DK seems to be the standout for gold star, unanimous even.  Let's hope he doesn't leave before they give it to them.  That would be funny as shit.  Everyone hates Taylor, including me.  Kill her!  Kill her!  Hold a trial and put her to death!  It's getting really loud and annoying.  DK stands up and tells everyone to stop being so mean.  Karsh asks, "Are you ALL committed to building Bonanza City and making a better world?"  Please, tell me how being on this show makes a better world.  Please.  "Or is it too hard for some of you?  Is the criticism too much?" Karsh adds.  I hate this fucker.  What kind of man can even agree to be such an asshole?  He reminds me of Al Gore.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  DK wants to go home.  Who are they gonna give the star to now?  Commercial.

"Why?" questions Karsh.  "I wanna go home to people I can be with without having to deal with all this drama.  I'm sick of it.  I wanna go home."  A huge tear bursts from his eye, likely drenching the kid in front of him.  He breaks down.  "It's just frustrating.  It's real frustrating."  Taylor bawls too, as DK was the one who stopped the town's lambasting.  Guylan asks if he can talk to him.  Donkey Kong nods.  They exit.  Taylor tells the room that DK is "the funnest one to be around," which is met with a glare from Leila.  Outside: "You don't understand.  I'm sick of it."  Guylan pleads with him to "give Bonanza a chance."  DK comes back into the barn.  "Some of you people are some of the most beautiful people I've ever met in my entire life."  Cut to Taylor.  "And I'm willing to stay for you."  At least he got 20 grand out of it.  He can leave next week.  "I do have six brothers and sisters at home, and I do wanna see them all go to college."  Okay, what kind of college does he expect them to go to, the fart school?  You can't even go to clown college on that.  His mom looks just like him.  "Congratulations on your golden star.  You didn't need that; you already a star."  She's nice like him too.  Guylan: "I think this is a milestone for kids.  United we stand, divided we fall."  Bonanza is disgusting.

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