Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Kid Reservation


Episode 3 is called "Deal with It!" I wonder what "it" is. I hope it's a snake. My Jamestown comment makes me question why the show takes pace in the Wild West. Shouldn't Kid Nation be established on the mosquito-infested shores of Virginia? And if not, why have the children been denied use of some significant advances in modern technology, like computers? If you're establishing a new country, it's not like you're going to completely ignore the utility of such inventions. Anyway, let's watch. Err, let me watch. This one's not on YouTube either.

The bonus match 5 on 10.03.07 was 01-07-13-17-34-05 in case you were wondering. Cody and Greg appear to have cold sores as well. Where did they find all these herpes-ridden children? Party at the root beer saloon! Kids are doing shots of root beer. What a great way to train them to be adults. Olivia and Mallory are smart, saving their energy for tomorrow's challenge. The town's a fucking disaster. Jared got four hours of sleep. The black girl is gonna kick Greg. The council looks at the Bible, which tells them to set a curfew. The first law in Bonanza City is that bed time is set at 9:30.

Next Clip

Awww, Greg just said the b-word! Wow, they just blurred his mouth out for something. It made Sophia cry. Greg just got bleeped. Morgan and Mallory hate curse words. Shit, this is turning into a regular reality show. Laurel thinks the town needs some Law & Order, or maybe just law and order. "I'm not here to hurt anyone. I'm here to help build the town," Greg says. It's weird how serious he is about this.

The kids don't like the 9:30 law, but Colton tells them to get over it. Now, he's off scaring some cows. Shit, a bull. "Colton, back up!" Why don't they kill a fucking bull; then they won't have to cry about the chickens. Kids are throwing flour all around the kitchen, and Mallory is cleaning it up even though she's in the upper tier. So I just searched for some of this on YouTube, but all I could find was this.

Shit like that disturbs me. Kids each get a handful of hashbrowns for breakfast. "Deal with it!" ejaculates Taylor. Yes, a cool challenge, though kind of mean. The kids have to wrangle sheep with cards around their necks. What's the mean part? Each sheep has a name written on its back. Colton just rocked the shit out of a sheep. Greg's chin gash looks worse. No one's very good at this. Yellow is in the lead, which will at least give them the right to continue doing nothing. Blue and Yellow are tied for first, the other teams tied for last. Yellow wins! Deal with it! Karsh's color commentary seems unnecessarily rotten. Blue grabs second. It's down to Red and the perpetual losers, Green. Green gets third and finally Sophia can get back in the kitchen and out of the outhouse. Sevens seconds left! They get the reward. What'll it be? A choice. A microwave and a barrel of cocoa... or forty pizzas! Take the warm, savory cheese pizzas. Or break the damn lock on the phone room like I said. The kids are chanting, "Pizza!" They choose the microwave? Who's gonna eat all that pizza? A better question: Where is the nearest pizzeria? If it's close enough to be hot, leave Bonanza City and hit up Pizza Hut, man. If breadsticks were included, pizza would've been a done deal. Mike: "It's so hard being a council leader. No one likes you." No one liked you before you became the village asshole either. Your parents would rather you live with rattlesnakes for forty days than put up with your whining. Taylor just said President Bush has to be bossy to get people's attention. If only she were a diplomat to the Middle East. I wonder what Kid Nation would be like in Obama's United States. Morgan seems to be a possible gold star prospect. She's a great dishwasher. Sophia is trying to barter for a bag at Mallory's store. She'll pay five cents. "Twenty-five," says Mallory. "I can't stand that kid," Sophia confesses to the camera. Sophia is the snake. Yes, a storm! "It's a twister! It's a twister!" exclaims an overly dramatic Jared. The outhouses have blown over. You can hear the flies buzzing as the old kids try to right them. Do little kids really shit that much? Cody, 9, hates the weather and misses his friends, but he says, "I've already got a family in Bonanza City."

There's a line outside the chapel. Maybe they're going to confession. Nope, they're asking the citizens who they'd nominate for the gold star. Most are saying Morgan. What will Morgan say? "Everybody out there deserves a gold star." But it's going to be Mallory's ninth birthday. Okay, here's where I get angry. Who sends their kid away to the desert on their fucking ninth birthday? The town is turning on Taylor. She's weeping. "Taylor, you're doing a bad job. Deal with it!" Ooh, how does your own poison taste? Awkward moment as the kids stare at her tear-drenched countenance. "All I gotta say is I'm sorry," she tries. "Well, what are you gonna do about it?" quips a sassy Sophia. "We're gonna start helping clean up the town," she says. Some undeserved applause makes her smile. Karsh: "I know most of you are committed to making Bonanza City a better place, but is this too tough for anyone?" Committed to making Bonanza City a better place? I think I'm gonna keep watching, but I'm beginning to understand the controversy now. If a kid rightfully wants to spend time with their family and friends, they are shunned for leaving the artificial city they came to create. Sometimes a game just gets to be too much. Does anybody want to go home? Nope. Who's gonna get the star: assiduous dishwasher Morgan or relentless entrepreneur Mallory? Close-ups of each, please. Thank you. Pity vote for the birthday girl. A disgusted Greg licks his herpe. Oh, yeah, Olivia is Mallory's real-life sister, which means her parents sent two kids away to increase their odds at winning more money and scarring their children for life. Greg is whining. He looks like Butt-Head. Like a lot. There's a window in the phone room. Seriously, smash that shit. Her mom and dad are both there. Mom: "It's been a little weird with them gone." She cries. It's almost like CBS stole her children from her. Dad: "At 3:00 everyday I hear the school bus go by, but it doesn't stop." Wait, these kids are missing school for this? I hate this country.

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