StePhest Colbchella '012 Throws Fans for a Loop(apalooza)

After frantically refreshing the Colbert Nation website for two weeks, I successfully got a ticket to StePhest Colbchella '012: Rocktaugustfest.  The sequel to last year's concert, which featured acts like Talib Kweli and Bon Iver, StePhest '012 included Grizzly Bear, Santigold, Fun, and the Flaming Lips, all aboard the decommissioned aircraft carrier, the USS Intrepid.

The forecast called for thunderstorms, so I bagged my valuables and crossed my fingers that we wouldn't have a rerun of last week's Lollapalooza evacuation.  The sun shone brightly as I ran up 12th Ave from 34th St, fearing a massive line.  After checking in and receiving tickets to be exchanged for beer and food, I took advantage of a free scoop of
Stephen Colbert's very own Ben & Jerry's flavor, Americone Dream.  My friend Carrie (who took all the photos) joined me as we made our way up more than a few sets of stairs to the flight deck of the ship.  The stage was set up on the starboard side, flanked by screens and underneath a set of flashing lights reading, "COLBERT."  We used our drink tickets to grab some Heinekens (Guy behind us: "Which has more alcohol: Budweiser or Heineken?"  Trick question.  They both don't have any.), and settled in for the show.


With the stage manager directing us to cheer, the opening graphics for The Colbert Report illuminated the screens, and out came a swashbuckling Steve spinning a captain's wheel and brandishing a sabre.  Following some quips about the sewage spill in Tarrytown, Colbert played a game of life-size Battleship with Jon Stewart, putting a gigantic red peg into the stage.  He then instructed the crowd to keep the energy level up because they had to tape the opens for Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.  Billed as a festival, this came as a surprise to most of us.  I don't get cable, so perhaps if I had seen last year's week of shows, I would have expected a show-taping environment instead of spending the past week reacquainting myself with the entirety of the Flaming Lips' catalog to be prepared to see them for the first time.

Colbert returned thrice more, putting a different spin on his pitches for sponsor, Pepsi.  First identifying their slogan as "Put it in your mouth," he later inserted a comma into their actual slogan: "Live, for now.  Because we're all going to die someday."  He also introduced his first mate, Grandmaster Flash, although their awkward repartee suggested that the two had never met before.  Colbert closed his final intro with an impromptu duet of "The Star Spangled Banner" with the stage manager.

Fun took the stage shortly after 9:30, and burst right out with current hit "Some Nights."  The sound sliced right through the humid, body odor-laden air, and the crowd sang along happily.  "Carry On" followed (Next single, maybe?) and "We Are Young" was the obvious closer.  A short set, but this wasn't a festival; it's TV.

Grizzly Bear hadn't played a concert in two years, but they assembled onstage to support Shields, which drops on September 18th.  They started things off with the heavy-on-harmonies "Two Weeks" off their album Veckatimest.  While not exactly a rager, the song didn't get the reaction from the crowd that the producers of the show had wanted.  It was time for a do-over.  Speaking as someone who works in television, this is a fairly common occurrence.  But to the mass of people who came to see a concert, it was a letdown.  After being part of a crowd on a TV show, you learn how to move your hands more, how to exaggerate your side-to-side movements, how to imitate a bobblehead.  But some folks didn't want to deal with multiple takes, and began making their way back to shore.  The live debut of "Yet Again" had to be rebooted after some technical difficulties with frontman Ed Droste's equipment, and there was even more resistance from the crowd.  Colbert came out to make amends, offering, "As an impartial observer, allow me to say that the second time you play a song, it's even better."  Once GB got that song in the can, they finished it out with another new one, "Sleeping Ute."

Grandmaster Flash provided the music between sets, but sadly spent most of his time spinning current radio hits. One break featured "Hip Hop Hooray," "Jump Around," and "Let Me Clear My Throat," recalling elementary school dances at the Sunset Room, but shockingly Flash's own classic cuts like "White Lines (Don't Do It)" and "The Message" remained absent.

When Stephen announced that he was going to take some time to record the goodnight tags, groans issued from the crowd.  That is, until he descended into our ranks, only to be hoisted above by eager concertgoers, to deliver his lines into the jib camera.  With those fans expecting a typical concert rapidly departing, Colbert nobly turned to the role of pacifier.  He did everything he could to keep us entertained, from singing "Happy Birthday" in Latin to a crowdmember to joyously dancing to Rihanna's "We Found Love, a snippet of which can be seen below.


Santigold surprised me, as I had written her off as a M.I.A. clone (and I don't like M.I.A.).  Her stone-faced backup singers, doing choreographed routines with a variety of props including briefcases and umbrellas, had me laughing out loud.  And the dub-like sounds of "Disparate Youth" had me legitimately dancing, not just hamming it up for the cameras.  But alas, the perfection necessary for TV struck again.  After guitar and monitor issues required both "The Keepers" and "Disparate Youth" to be repeated, I remarked to the Santigold fan next to me that she could've gone to the bathroom as she had wanted to, and not missed a thing.

The show now running late, the sense of urgency was apparent, with Michael Ivins and Steven Drozd tuning their own instruments.  Wayne Coyne took the reins on pumping up the crowd, and the Lips launched into "Ashes in the Air."  A bizarre marijuana PSA from Coyne flowed into "Drug Chart," which had him shaking a maraca with a face, and obscuring his own visage with a foil cape.  As they broke into "Do You Realize??," I realized how strange it was to see the Lips in the year they became world record holders for the most concerts performed in 24 hours, likely playing to their smallest crowd since 1994.

No Flaming Lips show is complete without Wayne jumping into a space bubble and hamster-wheeling his way above the crowd.  Wayne and Colbert climbed into their spheres and set out onto our bed of hands, so Stephen could deliver his final goodbye.  It was a little surreal to know that as they passed above us in their space bubbles, while the Lips played the theme to The Colbert Report, just to our left, in an even bigger bubble, was the space shuttle Enterprise.

I guess we'll see next week how it all comes together on TV.  Well, those of us with cable.

FUN – 08.10.12 – STEPHEST COLBCHELLA ‘012, USS INTREPID (14 minutes)

SET –

Some Nights / Carry On / We Are Young

GRIZZLY BEAR – 08.10.12 – STEPHEST COLBCHELLA ‘012, USS INTREPID (27 minutes)

SET –

Two Weeks / Two Weeks / Yet Again (aborted) / Yet Again / Sleeping Ute

SANTIGOLD – 08.10.12 – STEPHEST COLBCHELLA ‘012, USS INTREPID (29 minutes)

SET –

The Keepers / Disparate Youth / The Keepers / Disparate Youth / Go!

THE FLAMING LIPS – 08.10.12 – STEPHEST COLBCHELLA ‘012, USS INTREPID (26 minutes)

SET –

Ashes in the Air / Drug Chart / Do You Realize?? / Charge (tease) / The Colbert Report Theme

TV Show Review: Veep

Veep sucks.

The Whole Conan Thing

I figured I'd be late to the party again and weigh in on the whole Tonight Show thing. I watched on Hulu for the past two weeks, and the shows were some of the best television I've seen in a long time. (Aside from last Friday's show, which was just okay by comparison.) Conan's speech towards the end of the final episode actually got me teary-eyed. I guess I don't have too much else to say, as I'm trying to put Conan's words on cynicism into practice.

Here's his farewell speech in case you missed it, or tried to watch it on YouTube, but it was taken down.

Reptar 2010

Happy New Year! I just watched an episode of Rugrats called "Reptar 2010." If you remember, Reptar was a dinosaur more like Godzilla than Barney. In this episode, Grandpa puts in a movie called Reptar 2010, where Reptar is transported into the future. The future just so happens to be New York City in 2010.

Here's a few things they predicted incorrectly:

• There is no monorail in New York City.
• There are now two Yankee Stadiums.
• The Brooklyn Bridge is not for sale.
• You can't book a vacation to Saturn.
• The president is black.

Skid Nation

EPISODE SEVEN

By all reasoning, I should've stopped watching Kid Nation after three episodes. But I kept at it because I saw a clip of this episode on YouTube. If this one ends up sucking, I may be done with the denizens of Bonanza City.

First Part

Day 20. The kids are halfway through their quest to build a nation. Divad decides to be a budding capitalist, opening a snack bar with food she has taken from the kitchen. Free canned apples from the kitchen now cost 5 cents. But they come with a stick! Jared says he's going to compete against her, and the anti-semitic Asian girl goes off on him. "Bill Gates has so much money. He made Microsoft. No one complained about that." I'm not sure where she's going with this. "Divad has the entire snacking monopoly," claims Jared, the trustbuster. Fuck yeah! He just wrecked Divad's snack stand. The Asian girl acts like Jared just burned Divad's house down. Divad can make more snacks though, and sweeps up the mess. Stop watching the clip there.

That stupid whore Sophia tries to sell Mallory a jaw harp full-price. The book says the original settlers found gold in a mine. A treasure map is included. Laurel doesn't want them to go because people will get greedy. Bitch, you're telling me you wouldn't follow a treasure map if you found one? The Goonies this is not. "Let's hope we don't end up like the Donner Party, eating our own people," suggests Anjay. Fucking weirdo.

Go back to the clip. Divad waits for Jared to come talk to her. What? He's the bad one? She stole food from the kitchen and started selling it. This is pissing me off. Stop watching when they hug. I might.

The leaders reach the abandoned mine. It's cool-looking at least. Wanna see how much smarter the older kids are? Fucking fourteen-year-old Sophia comes up with a genius plan to solve the town's money problems. Let's waste even more food by mixing a bunch of stuff together to look gross and then put money at the bottom. The bat is in the cave. And a treasure chest. Wow, 375 nickels. "We could double everyone's pay," suggests Guylan. Anjay counters, "That's not what we should do. Greed is the root of all evil. This is $18.50 worth of greed." Hold on, retard. It's $18.75 worth of greed. That's really not that much greed. What is he worried about? Too many jaw harps in the town? "I think that choice is important in a democracy, but I think it's important that the smarter people make the choice," says Yellow leader, Zach. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. The council buys baseball bats and musical instruments for the town. "I don't play baseball." "You're a nerd." Kids suck. Nathan, 11, is concerned about the laundry. He's wearing like a WWII pilot's jacket, so he must not have many clothes left. Laurel tells him to lighten up. "Is there something we don't know about you? Do you have a deep, dark secret?" Nathan slowly looks up. "I was a fighter pilot in Korea, and my plane was shot down. I blacked out and the next thing I knew, I woke up in a town run by forty stupid kids." Actually, no. "My mother home-schools us." Bingo! I told you. Kids with no friends. He asks the older kids to help him with water. "Look at the damn dishes," says the asshole, Greg. Nathan helps out, scouring a pan, and gets scolded by Greg. Greg's dishwashing method? "Dip it in the water, then it's clean." Greg decides to be a bully and makes Nathan cry. I bet he goes home. He says he won't though.

What? The guys even wash the girls' laundry? Little Alex seems very excited to scrub away at a pair of panties. Pharaoh, 12, is a great dishwasher. Divad gloats that she is the richest person in Bonanza. "What's that on your face?" someone asks, pointing to the large brown mark on her cheek. "I got splattered on the face with oil, but a little grease won't stop me," she responds.

Showdown, fools. "This showdown is about collecting golden eggs," says Karsh. "What?" says Laurel. I'm with her. What the hell is this about? They have to slingshot eggs over a wall and catch them on the opposite side. They are real eggs though. If four dozen eggs total are caught, a reward will be given. All the kids have goggles on to protect them from the eggs. Red is sucking eggs. Blue is rocking it 'cause they figured out how to use hand signals. Green just got its first egg. Time's up. They probably only have like 4 eggs total. 5 for Red. 6 for Green. 18 for Yellow. Blue needs 19 eggs to win the town the prize. They open their box, which has a lot of eggs.

Alex Screams

38 eggs for Blue! Let's see the reward. "This reward is about money laundering." I do not know anything about no money laundering. Choice 1: coin-operated washing machines for 20 cents a load. Or a new pair of clothes for each person and 4 free hand-crank washers. New clothes. It's fucking easy. They've already gone halfway with one pair. Who knew kids were so concerned about laundry? They decided to go with the new clothes. That wasn't even a choice. Jared better kill somebody soon or I'm gonna stop watching this bullshit.

I may get my wish. Go back to the first clip. "This magnifying glass is focusing the light into a small pinpoint," says Jared froggily. He's trying to burn stuff. And what better a spot than on the steps of a town building. He's selling necklaces for 10 cents. And selling a lot of them. "Holy banana bread!" he shouts, $2.90 richer. He buys long underwear and some shoes. "I'm the Bill Gates of Bonanza City people are saying." Generic funk music plays as he pimp-struts trough the town.

Pharaoh wants the gold star because he has a single mom who can't pay her bills. "That sucks," says Zach. What sucks is that she decided to send her kid off to the desert to make her $5000. "To be honest, I think that I need the money more than any of the kids in Bonanza." What you need is a new mom. Guylan finds Nathan washing clothes in the middle of the night, repeatedly saying it needs to be done. Guylan orders him to bed, where Greg apologizes to him. Will Nathan get the star? Divad thinks she's gonna win. She's making signs to promote herself. Doesn't she know what happens to posters in this town? Now she's passing out snacks to people in line before they make their nominations. It reminds me of this time I was in college when the fire alarm went off in the dorm. When I got outside, there was no smoke or anything, and there was a girl outside handing out cookies. "Make sure you vote for me in the dorm elections," she said. I ate her cookies, but I didn't vote. I don't even know what dorm elections are.

In a surprise move, Jared votes for Divad. In a non-surprise move Divad votes for Divad. Greg nominates Nathan, which makes the council members smirk. It's now between Nathan and Pharaoh, the latter of which only started working once he found out the gold star was worth $20,000. Everyone in the town, even Sophia, thinks the council has done a good job. "There are some people in town who just fry potatoes," says Greg. "I don't just fry potatoes," says Divad, her face scarred from constantly frying potatoes. Is anyone going home? Nope. It's too easy to live there when you don't have any friends. Who's gonna win? Close-ups of Pharaoh, Nathan, and Divad. Nathan! Suck it, Pharaoh. Start washing clothes at night if you want a gold star for your broke-ass mama. Nathan tells his mom he can use the money for college, boarding school, or candy. I've never thought of boarding school as a good thing, but maybe he should look into getting out of his house so he doesn't end up so damn weird. Divad: "I do just as much work as Nathan. Do I have to drag them to my workplace?" No, we've all seen the frying pan, thanks.

Okay, so I'm gonna lay it out here like Jonathan Karsh would. You have a choice. I can stop blogging about Kid Nation, or I can watch the rest of the season. I have comments enabled, so let me know your thoughts. There is a talent show, and I think Jared wears a dress. Discuss.

Cold Sore Nation

EPISODE FIVE

Day 14.  Zach, 10, goes to wake up Taylor and the Yellow bitches.  Oh, no.  Anjay's lip looks really bad.  No one respects him.  Time to read the old book.  It suggests a district reelection.  Anjay is worried that Olivia will dethrone him.  Food fight!  Anjay is getting pummeled with foodstuffs.  And he threw stuff back.  Olivia is upset. The council tells the kids that they are gonna have a reelection, which is met with thunderous applause.  That twat, Sophia: "How many of you are confident that you'll maintain your positions of authority?"  Mike is stupid enough to think he won't be replaced.  Zach is practicing his campaign speech.  Laurel is scared as fuck.  With three gold star winners on her team, it's pretty obvious she's gone.  Her group members are too nice though, and decide she's fit for the job.  Really, it's not like they do anything special except wake everyone up.  Olivia's being a bitch in her stupid orange cowgirl hat.  Anjay is praying to his many gods, and she lets him know she's gonna run against him.  "Shut up!" he screams.  The existing council members are making their speeches.  Mike isn't worried.  Guylan, who addressed Mike the first day as "sir," raises his hand to oppose him.  Now Mike's pissing his pants I'm sure.  "I would attempt to make this more of a democracy rather than a dictatorship," Guylan says to the onlookers, including a grinning DK.  Mike's about to cry like a spoiled little Hitler.  Anjay promises to do his best in the future, but Olivia steps up and claims it's not a popularity contest, which is always what the popular kid says.  Taylor's turn.  She begs for another chance, and Zach steps to the stage, doing his best Obama.  "Don't tell me that you're gonna vote for me; tell me that you agree with me."  I just noticed he's wearing his shirt inside-out because it probably had a logo on it CBS didn't want to pay for.  Taylor's interview: "Yeah, that was a good speech, but it's not the best I've ever heard."  What oratory masterpiece did she expect?  Mike fights back tears as he has a chat with Guylan.  "You seem like a good follower."  Guylan replies, "I don't like following people; I like helping people."  Mike sucks back snot as he makes the bold statement, "You can't be easily damaged if you're a council member."  Some girls just did cocaine, or at least they rubbed some white powder on their gums.

Piñatas!  There are 300 piñatas in a field, some with pictures of presidents inside.  The kids have to collect seven presidents.  Okay.  And then the district leader has to put them in historical order.  "Oh, shoot!" objects Pharaoh.  His leader is Taylor.  Karsh: "Taylor, who's the president now?"  "George Bush," she laughs.  "Who was before Bush?"  "I have no clue."  Looks like Yellow will be cleaning the toilets.  Laurel just crossed herself at the sound of the whistle.  Teddy Roosevelt, my personal favorite president, is the first one to be found.  Poor little Alex can't crack a piñata.  Zach is shouting the order out to Taylor.  He's gonna be the real president someday.  Not of some silly Kid Nation, but the United States.  Maybe Michael will be his veep.    Yellow and Green both have all the cards.  Let's see who's got 'em right.  Taylor crosses her fingers for luck.  It worked!  Kelsey, the racist Asian, says that even though Zach won it for them, that doesn't mean he's the best leader.  "Look at George W. Bush.  He's not smart at all, but he won the U.S. president two times in a row."  She's right there, but she's wrong about Zach.  It's because he's Jewish.  Green comes in second.  Red's third.  Can Blue get it in time for the reward?  Hooray!  What is it this time?  Choice one: Ribs, chicken, hamburgers, and hot dogs.  Or?  A former president's library?  Nope.  Toothbrushes, mouthwash, toothpaste, and floss.  Taylor's opinion: "We can have meat whenever we want.  Once we lose our teeth, we can't get 'em back.  Kill a chicken."  Smartest thing she's said so far, but there's no way the producers let these kids go over 2 weeks without brushing.  Only the older kids are happy.  Except for DK.  He's pissed.

Zach comes and wishes Taylor luck, giving her a chance to improve.  Apparently, he only needs one female vote to win.  Will cooties be his downfall?  He pleads with a girl.  "If you want to vote Taylor 'cause she wakes you up late, do it.  But if you want me to be a leader 'cause I can clean this place up and make it a good place to live, you can do that."  Haha.  I hope they do have the option to live there after the forty days are up.  Kids really have no concept of time.  Guylan spends time on the campaign trail, cutting potatoes with the black kids.  Sophia asks Anjay if he thinks he's a better leader than Olivia.  "Please don't talk to me about Olivia when I have this in my hand," he says, referring to the large knife he's using to prepare dinner.  The kids make posters.  Taylor's have "Deal with it!," her self-proclaimed motto at the bottom.  Who would ever vote for anyone with such a dictum?  Markelle, who isn't even in her district, rips it down, and starts pogo-sticking on top of it.  Whoa, an uncensored "bullshit" got through on Kid Nation?  I'm making a clip of this.

There.  It took a little bit of work, so please watch it.  Markelle rips the poster in half and Leila, the girl who made it, runs away crying.  Anjay attempts order: "Is this what Bonanza City was supposed to be?  People ripping down other people's posters?  This is everything the real world is!"  This is the real world?  Greg's caressing Leila now, in attempts to score... a gold star.  The talk is all Greg, and Mike is still keeping it from him.  Zach is the other choice.  They're giving away the star before the election.  Greg.  About time.  Mike cringes.  Blaine, Greg's lover, cheers for him.  "You guys have no idea what this means to me.  This star right here means I'm going to college," he manages to proclaim in a rare, teary moment from the chicken slaughterer.  He's gonna call his dad, but first, election time!  You like how they did this bullshit too?  Only two candidates per district to simulate two-party representative democracy.  I guess this is the real world.  Guylan's name is too hard to spell.  That might be the only thing going against him.  Karsh is counting the votes one at a time like his hero, Jeff Probst.  Anjay beats Olivia by a landslide.  Anjay: "I will respect your opinions in the future."  "I don't believe you," she smirks.  He shakes his head and makes an irritated little kid noise.  Olivia laughs at him.  This is how people turn crazy.  Guylan is whooping Mike's ass.  The kids are laughing heartily at his expense.  Mike puts his head on the table, as he's the only one who voted for himself.  "That sucked so bad!  I don't know if I'm doing something wrong."  No one likes you 'cause you're a dickwad who doesn't do anything and cries all the time.  Now the close race we've been waiting for.  It's tied 4 to 4 between Taylor and Zach.  Will eloquence overcome female solidarity?  Yes!  Zach wins.  Deal with it!  Randi, 11, the girl he talked to before, voted for him.  Circle, circle, dot, dot, bitches!  Too bad it doesn't work on canker sores. 

Kid Nation Under God

EPISODE FOUR

Okay, so unless this show gets better than the last episode and fast, I'm gonna stop watching.  Let's try number 4.  I've realized that what makes the show uninteresting is the fact that more kids aren't dropping out.  It's not much of a competition if everyone sticks it out.  And I'd like to see more kids leave for the simple fact that they can spend time with their friends.  Aha!  I figured it out.  These are the kids who have no friends.  They are the outcasts of their schools or they are home-schooled.  Their parents put them into this mess as an attempt at social skill development.  And the kids aren't leaving because they're accepted here and "vital" to the city's survival.  That has to be it.  So let's watch number 4, which actually has some clips on YouTube.

Part One

Sophia and Morgan walk to the spigot, and Morgan asks Sophia if she believes in God.  Nope.  Material things like bags and bikes are her deities.  Morgan sounds vaguely suicidal as she says she can't figure out her reason and doesn't deserve to be here.  Is she talking about the silly Wild West playset or the planet?  Is all this because she didn't get the gold star?  Jared is Jewish.  Guylan, 11, doesn't think religion should be a part of Bonanza City.  Zach seems worldly and Colton seems anti-semitic.  Zach flips Colton off.  A girl hits Zach.  "Christians rule!" Colton and an Asian girl high five.  "Jew crew!" shout the Jewish kids.  The Asian girl is racist, saying Christians are better.  Okay, this is getting dramatic, but I hope the CBS execs didn't put them up to this.

After that clip, the council goes to the chapel to look at the book.  Fuck, it is CBS.  The book tells them the town didn't survive because the pioneers didn't pray.  What the fuck?  This is sick.  But I have to see how bad this gets.  Well, maybe Laurel could start praying that her cold sores get better.  Girl's lower lip looks ready to fall off.  The book suggests the children hold a service.  I feel very uncomfortable now.

Part Two

The council suggests one big religious service with speakers from each denomination.  Sophia the atheist hangs her head.  "Is anyone completely against this?"  Divad, 11, says you can't put different religions together because it will start fights.  She asks, "Would you put Democrats and Republicans in the same room together?"  Um, yeah, it's called Congress.  I suppose your nation won't have one of those.  Alex, 9, speaks with a wisdom beyond his one permanent tooth, suggesting, "There are a lot of things central to all religions.  We could just focus on those instead of focusing on the differences."  Olivia is Christian and doesn't want to learn anything about other religions.  The producers of this show are terrible.  Stop watching when Mike starts ringing the bell.  For some reason, the YouTuber cut this scene out:

Part Three

Alex just used the word "yuck-stuff."  I love this kid.  As Kid Nation's first census taker, he's doing a religious survey.  "I'm Jewish."  "Orthodox or progressive?"  This kid is amazing.  I hope he gets the gold star.  He's even allowed spaces for Sunni and Shia Muslims.  Really, if these kids can get Sunnis and Shiites to live together, then there is truly no reason for war.

Okay, now go back to Mike ringing the bell.  This one girl is used to Pentecostal services and doesn't want to be around Jewish people.  Did she know Jared was Jewish when she laughed at his antics?  Did she know Zach was Jewish when he organized the kids to lift the outhouses?  Whoa!  Some kid bought the pogo-stick!  It's gross to see kids laughing at other religions.  No one at all showed up for the service.  Laurel's herpes have spread to her top lip.  I wonder if she even has a face in the last episode.

When that clip ends, the kids continue arguing.  Here's a suggestion: Have whatever individual services you want, but don't force people to have one or attend.  It's not like they're hiring a priest or something.  Could you imagine that?  A priest in Kid Nation.

Part Four

Suicidal Morgan is holding an optional service by the bonfire.  Hopefully she doesn't jump in.  This is how they should've done it in the first place.  If kids want to pray, they'll pray.  If they don't, they won't.  Kids of different religious groups are now at the fire praying.  It seems to be pleasant.  The black kid (not DK) wants good grits and good everything.  Will Morgan win the gold star for her bonfire service?  And if she gets snubbed again, will she slit her wrists?

DK just tried to gets some jellybeans, but the white shop-owner girl told him he didn't have enough money.  Bitch, please.  I'm eating cookies now.  Perhaps their minty, chocolatey goodness will dispel the sour taste from my mouth.  This showdown is religion-based.  Ewww.  The kids have to build a steeple out of puzzle pieces.  Anjay says he follows the rules of all puzzles.  Puzzles have rules?  I was unaware.  Sophia has never done a puzzle in her life it appears.  Karsh: "Green finally figuring it out!"  Blue is in the lead.  Now they have to raise the puzzle into the air.  Red is raising as well.  It's neck and neck, but Blue wins.  Red nabs second, and Mike is thrilled not to scrub toilets anymore.  It appears as if Yellow is going to beat Green.  But they are tiny kids.  Can they crank fast enough?  The black kid who loves grits is named Pharaoh.  Yellow are cooks again even though they don't cook shit.  Green loses, but the town is getting a reward.  A choice.  Karsh: "This choice is all about instant gratification versus spiritual salvation."  Don't tell me they're going to start selling indulgences in the candy store.  Choice one: A mini-golf course!  This nation fucking rocks!  Even if Jesus is behind door number 2, that's gonna be hard to beat.  Choice 2: A library of holy books.  Mini-golf!  Mini-golf!  The council has smartened up and will let the kids decide.  "Golf!" they chant.  Zach, 10, says in an interview, "To me, those books are truly important.  If you don't make the right choice, this town will fail just like it did in the 1890s."  HAHAHAHAHA!!!  Let's do this democratically.  Of course, that's all these children know, being American citizens.  The kids choose the books?  Fuck this shit.  This might be the end of my Kid Nation-watching.  Anjay is Hindu, and says there are 330 million gods.  Wow, I'm even learning stuff from this show.  I don't know if I believe him though since he's a kid.  They do say the darndest things.

In a sidestep from religion, Cody cries a river as he reads a letter from his girlfriend that he received two days before he became a colonist.  He's 9.  "I've liked her ever since third grade."  Really?  A whole year ago?  Here's a clip I found of this sissy.

He's gonna go drink a root beer to "get her off my mind."  The way we train our children to be alcoholics is great, isn't it?  His friend fights back laughter and suggests, "Going to look at cows is fun."  Zach is the only Yellow working in the kitchen, which is making everyone even more pissed at Taylor.  Where is she?  Why, she's at the bar.  "Why are you sitting around doing shots?" they question as she sips soda.  She laughs.  What would a nation be without white trash?  Zach is upset, and is searching for people to help him clean the dishes.  "I was gonna read these," Mike says, conveniently carrying two holy books.  Zach eventually gathers some people together to help, and there is serious gold star talk for this kid.  Perhaps he'll even replace Taylor as Yellow district leader.

"Dance of the Sugarplum" plays as snow falls upon Bonanza City.  The council is finally considering Greg for the star, but Mike still hates him.  He's not gonna get it anyway.  The editing does not reflect such an outcome.  The kids are turning on the council, especially Taylor.  She just threatened Zach with cleaning toilets.  Karsh:  "Taylor, you either have a really thick skin or you just don't listen."  I'm finally starting to like the host.  "Would anybody like to go home?"  Cody raises his hand and whimpers.  He has cold sores too.  And now he's gonna go back and spread them to his girlfriend.  "The longest I've been away from home was a week, but I was with my grandma, so I wasn't away from home at all."  Karsh asks Cody to come to the front.  "Do you feel relieved?  Is this a good thing?"  Okay, this is upsetting, and I hate Karsh again.  Let the poor kid go home.  He's upset because he'll never see the friends he made there ever again.  Apparently that's in the CBS contract too.  His cow-watching buddy cries.  Karsh gives him a half-ass hug and says he'll miss him.  Man, his cow friend is really taking this hard.  Karsh asks, "Are you gonna still tough this out and be here till the end?"  Let these children be.  They're just kids for 330 million gods' sakes.  "Sad to see Cody leave, but we do have one more piece of business that should put a smile on one of your faces," Karsh offers to the sobbing room.  Morgan wins.  Good, now she won't kill herself... at least on national television.  Zach is noticeably miffed, but he'll get over it.  Morgan's acceptance speech: "I have the best friends in the world here, and I'll never leave you, I promise."  Like I said, outcasts.  Campbell, 10, Cody's friend, settles in the bar, filling a shot glass with root beer from a large bottle.  Jared invents his own game of mini-golf with a jawbreaker, a board, and a cup.  I like his ingenuity.

I don't, however, like Kid Nation.  Is it really better for 10-year-olds to argue about religion and clean toilets for nickels than to experience puppy love and play miniature golf?  No fucking way.  That's not to say I'm going to stop just yet.  I didn't like the first six episodes of Lost, but I gave it a chance, and it got better.  But I am going to stop for today.

Kid Reservation

EPISODE THREE

Episode 3 is called "Deal with It!" I wonder what "it" is. I hope it's a snake. My Jamestown comment makes me question why the show takes pace in the Wild West. Shouldn't Kid Nation be established on the mosquito-infested shores of Virginia? And if not, why have the children been denied use of some significant advances in modern technology, like computers? If you're establishing a new country, it's not like you're going to completely ignore the utility of such inventions. Anyway, let's watch. Err, let me watch. This one's not on YouTube either.

The bonus match 5 on 10.03.07 was 01-07-13-17-34-05 in case you were wondering. Cody and Greg appear to have cold sores as well. Where did they find all these herpes-ridden children? Party at the root beer saloon! Kids are doing shots of root beer. What a great way to train them to be adults. Olivia and Mallory are smart, saving their energy for tomorrow's challenge. The town's a fucking disaster. Jared got four hours of sleep. The black girl is gonna kick Greg. The council looks at the Bible, which tells them to set a curfew. The first law in Bonanza City is that bed time is set at 9:30.

Next Clip

Awww, Greg just said the b-word! Wow, they just blurred his mouth out for something. It made Sophia cry. Greg just got bleeped. Morgan and Mallory hate curse words. Shit, this is turning into a regular reality show. Laurel thinks the town needs some Law & Order, or maybe just law and order. "I'm not here to hurt anyone. I'm here to help build the town," Greg says. It's weird how serious he is about this.

The kids don't like the 9:30 law, but Colton tells them to get over it. Now, he's off scaring some cows. Shit, a bull. "Colton, back up!" Why don't they kill a fucking bull; then they won't have to cry about the chickens. Kids are throwing flour all around the kitchen, and Mallory is cleaning it up even though she's in the upper tier. So I just searched for some of this on YouTube, but all I could find was this.

Shit like that disturbs me. Kids each get a handful of hashbrowns for breakfast. "Deal with it!" ejaculates Taylor. Yes, a cool challenge, though kind of mean. The kids have to wrangle sheep with cards around their necks. What's the mean part? Each sheep has a name written on its back. Colton just rocked the shit out of a sheep. Greg's chin gash looks worse. No one's very good at this. Yellow is in the lead, which will at least give them the right to continue doing nothing. Blue and Yellow are tied for first, the other teams tied for last. Yellow wins! Deal with it! Karsh's color commentary seems unnecessarily rotten. Blue grabs second. It's down to Red and the perpetual losers, Green. Green gets third and finally Sophia can get back in the kitchen and out of the outhouse. Sevens seconds left! They get the reward. What'll it be? A choice. A microwave and a barrel of cocoa... or forty pizzas! Take the warm, savory cheese pizzas. Or break the damn lock on the phone room like I said. The kids are chanting, "Pizza!" They choose the microwave? Who's gonna eat all that pizza? A better question: Where is the nearest pizzeria? If it's close enough to be hot, leave Bonanza City and hit up Pizza Hut, man. If breadsticks were included, pizza would've been a done deal. Mike: "It's so hard being a council leader. No one likes you." No one liked you before you became the village asshole either. Your parents would rather you live with rattlesnakes for forty days than put up with your whining. Taylor just said President Bush has to be bossy to get people's attention. If only she were a diplomat to the Middle East. I wonder what Kid Nation would be like in Obama's United States. Morgan seems to be a possible gold star prospect. She's a great dishwasher. Sophia is trying to barter for a bag at Mallory's store. She'll pay five cents. "Twenty-five," says Mallory. "I can't stand that kid," Sophia confesses to the camera. Sophia is the snake. Yes, a storm! "It's a twister! It's a twister!" exclaims an overly dramatic Jared. The outhouses have blown over. You can hear the flies buzzing as the old kids try to right them. Do little kids really shit that much? Cody, 9, hates the weather and misses his friends, but he says, "I've already got a family in Bonanza City."

There's a line outside the chapel. Maybe they're going to confession. Nope, they're asking the citizens who they'd nominate for the gold star. Most are saying Morgan. What will Morgan say? "Everybody out there deserves a gold star." But it's going to be Mallory's ninth birthday. Okay, here's where I get angry. Who sends their kid away to the desert on their fucking ninth birthday? The town is turning on Taylor. She's weeping. "Taylor, you're doing a bad job. Deal with it!" Ooh, how does your own poison taste? Awkward moment as the kids stare at her tear-drenched countenance. "All I gotta say is I'm sorry," she tries. "Well, what are you gonna do about it?" quips a sassy Sophia. "We're gonna start helping clean up the town," she says. Some undeserved applause makes her smile. Karsh: "I know most of you are committed to making Bonanza City a better place, but is this too tough for anyone?" Committed to making Bonanza City a better place? I think I'm gonna keep watching, but I'm beginning to understand the controversy now. If a kid rightfully wants to spend time with their family and friends, they are shunned for leaving the artificial city they came to create. Sometimes a game just gets to be too much. Does anybody want to go home? Nope. Who's gonna get the star: assiduous dishwasher Morgan or relentless entrepreneur Mallory? Close-ups of each, please. Thank you. Pity vote for the birthday girl. A disgusted Greg licks his herpe. Oh, yeah, Olivia is Mallory's real-life sister, which means her parents sent two kids away to increase their odds at winning more money and scarring their children for life. Greg is whining. He looks like Butt-Head. Like a lot. There's a window in the phone room. Seriously, smash that shit. Her mom and dad are both there. Mom: "It's been a little weird with them gone." She cries. It's almost like CBS stole her children from her. Dad: "At 3:00 everyday I hear the school bus go by, but it doesn't stop." Wait, these kids are missing school for this? I hate this country.

Le Pays Des Enfants, Deux

EPISODE TWO

Previously on Kid Nation... Oh, wow.  I didn't know the laborer group has to clean the outhouses.  It's Day 5 in Kid Nation and there are 18 chickens, which are actually laying eggs.  Emilie, 9, is a fat little girl who breaks mustangs, or so she claims.  More like chairs.  The book in the chapel suggests the kids kill the chickens for food.  Laurel appears to have a cold sore.  Mike just said, "I think it's about time we had some fresh meat."  The kids have been there five days!  "We're not gonna live here for forty days and survive without protein in our body!" exclaims Taylor.  Greg says he has butchered cattle and lambs.  Let's put it to a vote.  "Who wants to kill chicken?"  Chicken it is!  

Part Chicken

Emilie threatens to leave if they kill a chicken.  You can't be that fat and be a vegetarian.  "Are they going to hang them like they did Saddam Hussein?"  Emilie has tied herself up in the chicken coop.  "We can't survive off of peaches, apples, and starch."  They have cans of beans and they're complaining about protein.  Haha, these kids are ridiculous.  Looks like Emilie lost.  A warning that this scene might be disturbing for children.  How ironic.  They are putting a chicken's head near a stump.  Oh, shit!  That's some Willy Wonka tunnel shit!  The bird is still flapping its wings.  Wait, two chickens?  Jared is freaking me out, yelling strange warlock chants as he holds the corpses.  The black girl loves drumsticks.  Greg is playing with the chicken feet.  Emilie is sad, and the kids eat dinner.  It's cold and the laundry is frozen.  What kid washes his clothes after 5 days?  Better yet, what parent kicks their kid out of the house that does their laundry every 5 days?  Taylor is not cooking even though she's a cook and a leader.  The water pump is frozen, so they suggest conserving water.  Why don't they try pouring hot water in it to unfreeze it?  Ah, they're gonna use their tiny, childlike brains and do just that.  They have water again, and Michael is a candidate for gold star and the San Francisco Board of Supervisors.

You can't see this on YouTube, but the sun just came out, and so did Karsh.  The kids are going to get a chance to compete to change their class positions.  Who knew Kid Nation would be set up under India's caste system?  And why hasn't Anjay, who loves Gandhi, done anything about this?  What?!?  A 45-foot waterslide!  The kids will get it to keep in the town if they can run pipes through a bunch of obstacles.  The catch?  Karsh is gonna turn the water on at the start.  This is not very interesting because it doesn't look very hard.  And why do all the challenges involve pumping water?  Why can't the prize be a sink?  I'd just end up washing my hands in the waterslide.  Oh, shit.  How do these kids bathe?  You give your kid away for 40 days and then they come back reeking?  What a deal!  Blue district wins the upper class position.  The black kid's name is DK, which makes me think his real name is Donkey Kong.  Red comes in second.  The little kid Yellow team will remain cooks, and green loses again.  They have one minute to finish so the town can get a waterslide.  Four seconds!  It's over.  Green fucking blew it for the whole town.  Karsh: "I'm sorry, you guys.  Green, you were so close!"  The kids are hugging now, but I don't think many of them will get to eat tonight.  Michael says that Ethiopia would be worse than this.  He's probably right, but probably not by much.  And what was the surprise they didn't get?  Water pumps for the whole town designed never to freeze!  Jesus, I am a genius.  This show is getting a little predictable.  A kid needs to die to shake things up a bit.

It's Day 7, making Kid Nation a week old.  So far, they're a step ahead of Jamestown.  Taylor is a stuck-up little bitch.  "Pageant girls use dishwashers."  Greg is working hard scrubbing dishes because he wants a gold star, although he claims he wants the town to succeed.  If these kids to make a successful town, it's not like they can continue to live there, can they?  That might be cool.  Come to think of it, I think all these children are orphans.  Two girls have started a pet daycare, but they're not watching the chickens or goats.  They're watching other kids' stuffed animals.  These kids have their priorities all out of whack.  They want Emilie to get away from the chickens.  Colton just said he'd pull her out and hang her by her toenails.  That's a little harsh.  Greg is helping out the whole town, but Mike has a grudge against him.  Michael fetches water and gives inspiring speeches.  "Water's one of the most important things in this town."  That and stuffed animals.  Who will win the gold star: Greg or Michael?  Sophia hates the council, even though they gave her $20,000.  Taylor said everyone is gonna have to starve because little kids can't cook.  Aren't these the same little kids who prepared such delicious grits in episode one?  "You guys all have the potential, so don't blame your age, please," pleads Michael.  Cheers!  Will fat Emilie go home or stay with the chicken-killing society of Kid Nation?  She stays.  Harvey Milk wins the star!  "All of you have the potential."  He's gonna give the money to his parents?  This kid isn't smart; he's insane.  Let's check in on his phone call.  They don't pick up!?!  Psych, his mom sounds like Mary Steenburgen, but looks like a horse.  Not her face; she just appears to have a mane.  Greg is pissed.  "I did a hell of a lot more work than Michael did.  And I'm gonna do something about it."  So he's Dan White.

A Nation Entirely Peopled with Children

Okay, so this blog is basically a way for me to justify my observations and weird habits, hopefully resulting in some entertainment for you.  If you don't enjoy it, you don't have to tell me 'cause I could care less.  (Note: Most everything I write is in jest, so don't take anything seriously.  If I'm serious, you'll know it.)

I don't watch a whole lot of television.  I don't have cable, mainly because it costs a buttload of cash, and I really don't watch much besides Lost, The Food Network, and Comedy Central.  I usually end up behind in the TV world, even with the programs I like.  I've only seen the first three hours of the new Lost season, and I just watched the lost episodes of Chappelle's Show on DVD.  So what I am setting up here?

I was listening to an old Don & Mike Show podcast (behind on them too, considering the show has ended), and they mentioned a scene on Kid Nation.  If you didn't see Kid Nation, it ran for thirteen episodes on CBS starting in 2007.  A reality show that dared to see if forty children could create a self-sustainable society, it was cancelled in 2008 due to advertisers pulling out because of the program's controversial nature.

First off, I have to comment on the parents of the children in the show.  The casting process had to have included the following: "Okay, so we're gonna take your child from you and stick them in the desert with a bunch of other kids and you won't see them for 40 days except for on TV, where they'll cry and say they miss you."  Sign my kid up.  Apparently, each child was paid $5000 just for participating, but you can't put a price on (American) children.

So now that it's 2009, it's time for me to check this shit out.  YouTube, please provide me with episode 1.

EPISODE ONE

Part One

I'm now going to stop listening to the soundtrack to Labyrinth, and comment as I view.

Jonathan Karsh steps from the doors of a saloon in a ghost town that certainly doesn't appear as old as he says.  The Emmy-nominated theme song is oh-so-bombastic.  Oh, no the bus is leaving!  Ha, they dropped the kids off miles away from the Wild West set.  A helicopter arrives, dropping off the four leaders, who are also kids.  Mike, 11,  thinks he's a cowboy.  Taylor, 10, says Iraq is the number one place that needs world peace.  I can't type fast enough, but there's also an Indian kid and an Irish girl.  The kids must drag the wagons containing 40 days worth of supplies to the city.  The goats have escaped.  Karsh tells the kids to first go to the chapel and find "an old book that tells them exactly what to do."  It's called the Bible.  He just pulled out a gold star worth $20K that the leaders have to give to a kid each week.  Jared thinks he's gona be able to hatch an egg and grow a chicken to eat within 40 days.  The kids are pissed at Mike 'cause he's not doing anything.  The oldest kid says to switch with him, and he can't even move the wagon.  What a loser.  I think they picked Mike to represent George W. Bush.  The black kid is hurt.  Drama!  Okay, now he gets a ride to the city on the wagon being pulled by his comrades.

Part Two

They arrive at Bonanza City.  Sadly, there is no salad bar.  Alex thought there would be adults.  His parents clearly lied to him.  Wow, a kid just said the words "disarray" and "heinous."  There's a cookbook.  What do the kids want first?  Ice cream, of course!  Macaroni and cheese will have to do.  Ha, none of them know how to cook and they have to feed forty kids.  Sophia just threw all the macaroni on the ground.  What a bitch.  Jared is ready to eat his own leg.  There is no plan B!  The pasta is taking forever to cook.  It's done and mushy, which means it was cooked too long.  Thanks, Sophia.  Taylor misses meat, and might leave.  Who knew child pageant contestants loved meat so much?  Jared is not going to the town meeting because he says, "Today has been the worst day in 3 years!"  I wonder what happened when he was 8.  Mike is crying like a girl.  Anjay, the Indian kid, is asleep.  By Indian, I mean from India.  If he were Native American, he'd have killed nine buffalo by now.  Girls are milking the goats.  Jared just likened his hunger to Martin Luther King's dream of racial equality.  He is clearly the show's star.  Ah, finally, a town meeting.  Wow, this is chaotic.  Greg, 15, is the eldest, and Mike hates him.

Part Three

Wow, Mike's going fucking nuts!  "We can learn from him!" exclaims the Indian kid, Anjay.  Michael, 14, (not Mike) is making a speech.  Cue theme music.  Chant his name.  I think he's like the Harvey Milk of Bonanza City.  Hopefully Mike doesn't shoot him after eating a twinkie.  We haven't seen Greg upset.  It's about time the leaders go to the church and read the Bible.  Oh, it's A Pioneer Journey.  Same thing.  They are going to divide into four groups: Red (Mike), Blue (Anjay), Green (Laurel), and Yellow (Taylor).  Anjay takes the old kids.  Laurel picks the people who have made a difference.  Taylor picks the little kids.  Mike picks the lazy black kid and Jared.  The kids are pissed they have to split up... until they get bandanas!!!  It just dawned on me that these kids aren't creating a nation, only a city.  Wait, where's Jimmy?  He's crying.  He's way too young to be doing this.  Taylor just tongue-kissed a goat.  Jimmy misses his dad.  I hope his dad enjoyed that $5000 his kid earned him.  Greg and his gay lover just wrote "Blue" in chalk on everything in town.  It's like a big crime in a kid town.  Wait till someone gets raped.  The black girl doesn't want to smell the white girl's shit.  There is only one outhouse for forty kids.  Karsh just showed up.  What a dick!  He just singled out Jimmy: "You're only 8 years old.  Are you missing your parents?"  He's no Jeff Probst.  The black girl wants to run a store.  There will be a root beer saloon.  But how will they pay for it?

Part Four

Laborers will get 10 cents for menial labor.  Cooks get 25 cents.  Merchants get 50 cents.  The upper class doesn't have to do shit, and get a dollar every week.  But how to determine?  Of course, the obligatory CBS reality show stupid challenge.  Ah, at least this one seems sort of like Double Dare.  Mike regrets picking all the disabled kids for his team.  Blue is winning.  Green is way behind.  Mike's finally doing something.  Why?  Oh, yeah, money is involved.  Blue has red liquid in their hose.  That sounds like a venereal disease.  Red is winning!  Blue has filled up their bottles too!  It's close.  The black kid falls again.  Red wins!?!?  Blue comes in second.  Yellow will be the cooks, but Sophia's on the Green team.  Will the children starve?  If Green can finish in 30 seconds, they win a prize for everybody.  Why aren't the other teams helping them?  This Kid Nation will surely collapse.  They finished.  Let's see what the reward is.  Karsh is still an asshole.  Oooh, the reward is a choice.  Seven more outhouses or... (kids scream)  commercial break.  Back.  A TV!  Kids are stupid.  I bet they pick TV.  Mike wants a TV so people have something to do.  They could have one outhouse for every five kids or be able to watch reality shows on CBS.  Thank God.  They picked the toilets!  Cody is relieved.  What?  That's how it ends?  I don't believe it.  I'm going to download it and make sure.

Ah, I knew it.  Okay, this show seems entirely ridiculous, especially because the next episode is called "To Kill or Not to Kill," so maybe Mike dies.  Here's a link to a torrent to download the entire season.  We don't pay for broadcast TV, so don't feel bad.  I'm gonna comment on the missing part as if there were a YouTube link.

Missing Part

Day 4.  Everyone in each district gets a job.  The Yellow district, the cooks, don't believe in the cookbook.  The grits are amazing!  Sophia is no longer essential.  Taylor is a beauty queen, and refuses to do dishes.  Where the fuck did all this candy come from?  The kids can buy a pogo-stick if they want.  When's the last time anyone's ever bought a pogo-stick?  Jared's creeping me out.  Why must the children be forced to create a capitalistic society?  Sophia only gets a nickel paycheck, and she's saving up to buy a $3 bicycle.  She's resorted to dancing for money.  Apparently there are bums in Kid Nation too.  I found a YouTube link with some of her hot dance moves.

Wow, she actually made enough to buy a bike.  Hopefully she'll ride the fuck out of Kid Nation.  Taylor might leave.  Who will get the gold star?  Jimmy and Cody are trying to hunt for jackrabbits.  Karsh is back for the first official town hall meeting.  Sophia is pissed.  Bitch needs to calm down; they gave her nickels so she could buy a fucking bike!  Harvey Milk is making another speech.  The kids cheer.  Karsh asks if anyone wants to go home.  He's singled out Taylor, like the piece of crap he is.  Taylor is staying.  Way to go!  There aren't any other beauty queens in town.  Jimmy wants to leave.  He's scared.  He thought it would be a fun adventure, but it turns out it was just some shitty lesson in why capitalism doesn't always work.  He leaves.  Now, Karsh pulls out the gold star.  I bet Jimmy's dad beat him with a tire iron when he got back home.  Sophia gets the gold star.  She's stunned that she just won $20,000.  Great, now give the kids their nickels back, you bitch.  Karsh just gave her a key to go call her parents.  The lock on the phone room is so small, the kids should fucking smash it and order some pizza.  Sophia's mom is happy with her cat in her childless home.  Laurel says, "We can create our own government.  We can create our own stores.  We can make this a Kid Nation."  Beautifully written.

Okay, so I had fun, and I want to see what happens in the next installment.  I promise I'll try to find as many YouTube links for the episodes as I can, so you can watch along with me.  Until next time...