Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Kid Nation Under God


Okay, so unless this show gets better than the last episode and fast, I'm gonna stop watching.  Let's try number 4.  I've realized that what makes the show uninteresting is the fact that more kids aren't dropping out.  It's not much of a competition if everyone sticks it out.  And I'd like to see more kids leave for the simple fact that they can spend time with their friends.  Aha!  I figured it out.  These are the kids who have no friends.  They are the outcasts of their schools or they are home-schooled.  Their parents put them into this mess as an attempt at social skill development.  And the kids aren't leaving because they're accepted here and "vital" to the city's survival.  That has to be it.  So let's watch number 4, which actually has some clips on YouTube.

Part One

Sophia and Morgan walk to the spigot, and Morgan asks Sophia if she believes in God.  Nope.  Material things like bags and bikes are her deities.  Morgan sounds vaguely suicidal as she says she can't figure out her reason and doesn't deserve to be here.  Is she talking about the silly Wild West playset or the planet?  Is all this because she didn't get the gold star?  Jared is Jewish.  Guylan, 11, doesn't think religion should be a part of Bonanza City.  Zach seems worldly and Colton seems anti-semitic.  Zach flips Colton off.  A girl hits Zach.  "Christians rule!" Colton and an Asian girl high five.  "Jew crew!" shout the Jewish kids.  The Asian girl is racist, saying Christians are better.  Okay, this is getting dramatic, but I hope the CBS execs didn't put them up to this.

After that clip, the council goes to the chapel to look at the book.  Fuck, it is CBS.  The book tells them the town didn't survive because the pioneers didn't pray.  What the fuck?  This is sick.  But I have to see how bad this gets.  Well, maybe Laurel could start praying that her cold sores get better.  Girl's lower lip looks ready to fall off.  The book suggests the children hold a service.  I feel very uncomfortable now.

Part Two

The council suggests one big religious service with speakers from each denomination.  Sophia the atheist hangs her head.  "Is anyone completely against this?"  Divad, 11, says you can't put different religions together because it will start fights.  She asks, "Would you put Democrats and Republicans in the same room together?"  Um, yeah, it's called Congress.  I suppose your nation won't have one of those.  Alex, 9, speaks with a wisdom beyond his one permanent tooth, suggesting, "There are a lot of things central to all religions.  We could just focus on those instead of focusing on the differences."  Olivia is Christian and doesn't want to learn anything about other religions.  The producers of this show are terrible.  Stop watching when Mike starts ringing the bell.  For some reason, the YouTuber cut this scene out:

Part Three

Alex just used the word "yuck-stuff."  I love this kid.  As Kid Nation's first census taker, he's doing a religious survey.  "I'm Jewish."  "Orthodox or progressive?"  This kid is amazing.  I hope he gets the gold star.  He's even allowed spaces for Sunni and Shia Muslims.  Really, if these kids can get Sunnis and Shiites to live together, then there is truly no reason for war.

Okay, now go back to Mike ringing the bell.  This one girl is used to Pentecostal services and doesn't want to be around Jewish people.  Did she know Jared was Jewish when she laughed at his antics?  Did she know Zach was Jewish when he organized the kids to lift the outhouses?  Whoa!  Some kid bought the pogo-stick!  It's gross to see kids laughing at other religions.  No one at all showed up for the service.  Laurel's herpes have spread to her top lip.  I wonder if she even has a face in the last episode.

When that clip ends, the kids continue arguing.  Here's a suggestion: Have whatever individual services you want, but don't force people to have one or attend.  It's not like they're hiring a priest or something.  Could you imagine that?  A priest in Kid Nation.

Part Four

Suicidal Morgan is holding an optional service by the bonfire.  Hopefully she doesn't jump in.  This is how they should've done it in the first place.  If kids want to pray, they'll pray.  If they don't, they won't.  Kids of different religious groups are now at the fire praying.  It seems to be pleasant.  The black kid (not DK) wants good grits and good everything.  Will Morgan win the gold star for her bonfire service?  And if she gets snubbed again, will she slit her wrists?

DK just tried to gets some jellybeans, but the white shop-owner girl told him he didn't have enough money.  Bitch, please.  I'm eating cookies now.  Perhaps their minty, chocolatey goodness will dispel the sour taste from my mouth.  This showdown is religion-based.  Ewww.  The kids have to build a steeple out of puzzle pieces.  Anjay says he follows the rules of all puzzles.  Puzzles have rules?  I was unaware.  Sophia has never done a puzzle in her life it appears.  Karsh: "Green finally figuring it out!"  Blue is in the lead.  Now they have to raise the puzzle into the air.  Red is raising as well.  It's neck and neck, but Blue wins.  Red nabs second, and Mike is thrilled not to scrub toilets anymore.  It appears as if Yellow is going to beat Green.  But they are tiny kids.  Can they crank fast enough?  The black kid who loves grits is named Pharaoh.  Yellow are cooks again even though they don't cook shit.  Green loses, but the town is getting a reward.  A choice.  Karsh: "This choice is all about instant gratification versus spiritual salvation."  Don't tell me they're going to start selling indulgences in the candy store.  Choice one: A mini-golf course!  This nation fucking rocks!  Even if Jesus is behind door number 2, that's gonna be hard to beat.  Choice 2: A library of holy books.  Mini-golf!  Mini-golf!  The council has smartened up and will let the kids decide.  "Golf!" they chant.  Zach, 10, says in an interview, "To me, those books are truly important.  If you don't make the right choice, this town will fail just like it did in the 1890s."  HAHAHAHAHA!!!  Let's do this democratically.  Of course, that's all these children know, being American citizens.  The kids choose the books?  Fuck this shit.  This might be the end of my Kid Nation-watching.  Anjay is Hindu, and says there are 330 million gods.  Wow, I'm even learning stuff from this show.  I don't know if I believe him though since he's a kid.  They do say the darndest things.

In a sidestep from religion, Cody cries a river as he reads a letter from his girlfriend that he received two days before he became a colonist.  He's 9.  "I've liked her ever since third grade."  Really?  A whole year ago?  Here's a clip I found of this sissy.

He's gonna go drink a root beer to "get her off my mind."  The way we train our children to be alcoholics is great, isn't it?  His friend fights back laughter and suggests, "Going to look at cows is fun."  Zach is the only Yellow working in the kitchen, which is making everyone even more pissed at Taylor.  Where is she?  Why, she's at the bar.  "Why are you sitting around doing shots?" they question as she sips soda.  She laughs.  What would a nation be without white trash?  Zach is upset, and is searching for people to help him clean the dishes.  "I was gonna read these," Mike says, conveniently carrying two holy books.  Zach eventually gathers some people together to help, and there is serious gold star talk for this kid.  Perhaps he'll even replace Taylor as Yellow district leader.

"Dance of the Sugarplum" plays as snow falls upon Bonanza City.  The council is finally considering Greg for the star, but Mike still hates him.  He's not gonna get it anyway.  The editing does not reflect such an outcome.  The kids are turning on the council, especially Taylor.  She just threatened Zach with cleaning toilets.  Karsh:  "Taylor, you either have a really thick skin or you just don't listen."  I'm finally starting to like the host.  "Would anybody like to go home?"  Cody raises his hand and whimpers.  He has cold sores too.  And now he's gonna go back and spread them to his girlfriend.  "The longest I've been away from home was a week, but I was with my grandma, so I wasn't away from home at all."  Karsh asks Cody to come to the front.  "Do you feel relieved?  Is this a good thing?"  Okay, this is upsetting, and I hate Karsh again.  Let the poor kid go home.  He's upset because he'll never see the friends he made there ever again.  Apparently that's in the CBS contract too.  His cow-watching buddy cries.  Karsh gives him a half-ass hug and says he'll miss him.  Man, his cow friend is really taking this hard.  Karsh asks, "Are you gonna still tough this out and be here till the end?"  Let these children be.  They're just kids for 330 million gods' sakes.  "Sad to see Cody leave, but we do have one more piece of business that should put a smile on one of your faces," Karsh offers to the sobbing room.  Morgan wins.  Good, now she won't kill herself... at least on national television.  Zach is noticeably miffed, but he'll get over it.  Morgan's acceptance speech: "I have the best friends in the world here, and I'll never leave you, I promise."  Like I said, outcasts.  Campbell, 10, Cody's friend, settles in the bar, filling a shot glass with root beer from a large bottle.  Jared invents his own game of mini-golf with a jawbreaker, a board, and a cup.  I like his ingenuity.

I don't, however, like Kid Nation.  Is it really better for 10-year-olds to argue about religion and clean toilets for nickels than to experience puppy love and play miniature golf?  No fucking way.  That's not to say I'm going to stop just yet.  I didn't like the first six episodes of Lost, but I gave it a chance, and it got better.  But I am going to stop for today.

No comments:

Post a Comment