Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Cold Sore Nation


Day 14.  Zach, 10, goes to wake up Taylor and the Yellow bitches.  Oh, no.  Anjay's lip looks really bad.  No one respects him.  Time to read the old book.  It suggests a district reelection.  Anjay is worried that Olivia will dethrone him.  Food fight!  Anjay is getting pummeled with foodstuffs.  And he threw stuff back.  Olivia is upset. The council tells the kids that they are gonna have a reelection, which is met with thunderous applause.  That twat, Sophia: "How many of you are confident that you'll maintain your positions of authority?"  Mike is stupid enough to think he won't be replaced.  Zach is practicing his campaign speech.  Laurel is scared as fuck.  With three gold star winners on her team, it's pretty obvious she's gone.  Her group members are too nice though, and decide she's fit for the job.  Really, it's not like they do anything special except wake everyone up.  Olivia's being a bitch in her stupid orange cowgirl hat.  Anjay is praying to his many gods, and she lets him know she's gonna run against him.  "Shut up!" he screams.  The existing council members are making their speeches.  Mike isn't worried.  Guylan, who addressed Mike the first day as "sir," raises his hand to oppose him.  Now Mike's pissing his pants I'm sure.  "I would attempt to make this more of a democracy rather than a dictatorship," Guylan says to the onlookers, including a grinning DK.  Mike's about to cry like a spoiled little Hitler.  Anjay promises to do his best in the future, but Olivia steps up and claims it's not a popularity contest, which is always what the popular kid says.  Taylor's turn.  She begs for another chance, and Zach steps to the stage, doing his best Obama.  "Don't tell me that you're gonna vote for me; tell me that you agree with me."  I just noticed he's wearing his shirt inside-out because it probably had a logo on it CBS didn't want to pay for.  Taylor's interview: "Yeah, that was a good speech, but it's not the best I've ever heard."  What oratory masterpiece did she expect?  Mike fights back tears as he has a chat with Guylan.  "You seem like a good follower."  Guylan replies, "I don't like following people; I like helping people."  Mike sucks back snot as he makes the bold statement, "You can't be easily damaged if you're a council member."  Some girls just did cocaine, or at least they rubbed some white powder on their gums.

Piñatas!  There are 300 piñatas in a field, some with pictures of presidents inside.  The kids have to collect seven presidents.  Okay.  And then the district leader has to put them in historical order.  "Oh, shoot!" objects Pharaoh.  His leader is Taylor.  Karsh: "Taylor, who's the president now?"  "George Bush," she laughs.  "Who was before Bush?"  "I have no clue."  Looks like Yellow will be cleaning the toilets.  Laurel just crossed herself at the sound of the whistle.  Teddy Roosevelt, my personal favorite president, is the first one to be found.  Poor little Alex can't crack a piñata.  Zach is shouting the order out to Taylor.  He's gonna be the real president someday.  Not of some silly Kid Nation, but the United States.  Maybe Michael will be his veep.    Yellow and Green both have all the cards.  Let's see who's got 'em right.  Taylor crosses her fingers for luck.  It worked!  Kelsey, the racist Asian, says that even though Zach won it for them, that doesn't mean he's the best leader.  "Look at George W. Bush.  He's not smart at all, but he won the U.S. president two times in a row."  She's right there, but she's wrong about Zach.  It's because he's Jewish.  Green comes in second.  Red's third.  Can Blue get it in time for the reward?  Hooray!  What is it this time?  Choice one: Ribs, chicken, hamburgers, and hot dogs.  Or?  A former president's library?  Nope.  Toothbrushes, mouthwash, toothpaste, and floss.  Taylor's opinion: "We can have meat whenever we want.  Once we lose our teeth, we can't get 'em back.  Kill a chicken."  Smartest thing she's said so far, but there's no way the producers let these kids go over 2 weeks without brushing.  Only the older kids are happy.  Except for DK.  He's pissed.

Zach comes and wishes Taylor luck, giving her a chance to improve.  Apparently, he only needs one female vote to win.  Will cooties be his downfall?  He pleads with a girl.  "If you want to vote Taylor 'cause she wakes you up late, do it.  But if you want me to be a leader 'cause I can clean this place up and make it a good place to live, you can do that."  Haha.  I hope they do have the option to live there after the forty days are up.  Kids really have no concept of time.  Guylan spends time on the campaign trail, cutting potatoes with the black kids.  Sophia asks Anjay if he thinks he's a better leader than Olivia.  "Please don't talk to me about Olivia when I have this in my hand," he says, referring to the large knife he's using to prepare dinner.  The kids make posters.  Taylor's have "Deal with it!," her self-proclaimed motto at the bottom.  Who would ever vote for anyone with such a dictum?  Markelle, who isn't even in her district, rips it down, and starts pogo-sticking on top of it.  Whoa, an uncensored "bullshit" got through on Kid Nation?  I'm making a clip of this.

There.  It took a little bit of work, so please watch it.  Markelle rips the poster in half and Leila, the girl who made it, runs away crying.  Anjay attempts order: "Is this what Bonanza City was supposed to be?  People ripping down other people's posters?  This is everything the real world is!"  This is the real world?  Greg's caressing Leila now, in attempts to score... a gold star.  The talk is all Greg, and Mike is still keeping it from him.  Zach is the other choice.  They're giving away the star before the election.  Greg.  About time.  Mike cringes.  Blaine, Greg's lover, cheers for him.  "You guys have no idea what this means to me.  This star right here means I'm going to college," he manages to proclaim in a rare, teary moment from the chicken slaughterer.  He's gonna call his dad, but first, election time!  You like how they did this bullshit too?  Only two candidates per district to simulate two-party representative democracy.  I guess this is the real world.  Guylan's name is too hard to spell.  That might be the only thing going against him.  Karsh is counting the votes one at a time like his hero, Jeff Probst.  Anjay beats Olivia by a landslide.  Anjay: "I will respect your opinions in the future."  "I don't believe you," she smirks.  He shakes his head and makes an irritated little kid noise.  Olivia laughs at him.  This is how people turn crazy.  Guylan is whooping Mike's ass.  The kids are laughing heartily at his expense.  Mike puts his head on the table, as he's the only one who voted for himself.  "That sucked so bad!  I don't know if I'm doing something wrong."  No one likes you 'cause you're a dickwad who doesn't do anything and cries all the time.  Now the close race we've been waiting for.  It's tied 4 to 4 between Taylor and Zach.  Will eloquence overcome female solidarity?  Yes!  Zach wins.  Deal with it!  Randi, 11, the girl he talked to before, voted for him.  Circle, circle, dot, dot, bitches!  Too bad it doesn't work on canker sores. 

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