50 Albums You Didn't Hear Before You Were Brutally Raped & Murdered (31-40)

31. Oppenheimer - Oppenheimer

Why You Didn't Hear It: You weren't from Northern Ireland.

Why You Should've: The contrast between Shaun's soft vocals and Rocky's vocoder is just one of the many reasons to check this out.

32. Owsley - Owsley

Why You Didn't Hear It: You didn't actively seek out great power pop.

Why You Should've: It's a debut power pop album that was nominated for the Best Engineered Album Grammy.  That's fucking nuts.

33. Caesars - Paper Tigers

Why You Didn't Hear It: You've heard "Jerk It Out" in a movie before, but you didn't know who it was.

Why You Should've: It's a flat-out great rock album.

34. Kelly Bell Band - Phat Blues Music

Why You Didn't Hear It: You'd written off the blues as an old man's genre resistant to change.

Why You Should've: Kelly's powerful voice and "phat blues" style update the blues for all audiences.

35. The Realistics - The Realistics

Why You Didn't Hear It: Really, no one heard of them.  It's not your fault.

Why You Should've: At only 7 songs, it's more of an EP, but it's amazingly catchy, and their full-length was surprisingly disappointing.

36. The World/Inferno Friendship Society - Red-Eyed Soul

Why You Didn't Hear It: You were wholly unfamiliar that carnivalesque ska-punk was a genre.

Why You Should've: Um, it's carnivalesque ska-punk.

37. The Thrills - So Much for the City

Why You Didn't Hear It: You didn't think Irish boys could write songs about California.

Why You Should've: They can, making this an exceptional windows-down beach disc.

38. Steve Burns - Songs for Dustmites

Why You Didn't Hear It: You thought the host of Blue Clues died of a heroin overdose.

Why Should've: He didn't.  He teamed up with Steven Drozd, Michael Ivins, and David Fridmann to make an avant rock record that holds up with the best of the Flaming Lips.

39. 2 Skinnee J's - Supermercado

Why You Didn't Hear It: You assumed rap mixed with rock all sounded like Limp Bizkit.

Why You Should've: These guys had the smartest lyrics in the game... and a keytar.

40. Goldspot - Tally of the Yes Men

Why You Didn't Hear It: They didn't really promote this album in the U.S.

Why You Should've: I don't really hear the Bollywood influence on this one, but I do hear a bunch of great songs.

50 Albums You Didn't Hear Before You Were Brutally Raped & Murdered (21-30)

21. Page France - Hello, Dear Wind

Why You Didn't Hear It: You mistook them for Sage Francis.

Why You Should've: This is the best non-Elephant 6 Elephant 6-sounding record out there.

22. Hotel Lights - Hotel Lights

Why You Didn't Hear It: You figured when Ben Folds Five broke up, the other guys just got jobs at Taco Bell.

Why You Should've: Darren Jessee, BFF's drummer, fronts this mellow outfit and writes some lovely tunes.

23. Phoenix - It's Never Been Like That

Why You Didn't Hear It: You don't listen to bands from France, even if they sing in English.

Why You Should've: They're getting ready to be really big, and this album is their best.

24. Kyte - Kyte

Why You Didn't Hear It: It's relatively new.

Why You Should've: They blend shoegaze and electronica into a soothing collection of songs.

25. Dntel - Life is Full of Possibilities

Why You Didn't Hear It: You knew the one guy in the Postal Service, but not this one.

Why You Should've: "(This is) the Dream of Evan & Chan" was the synthesis of the Postal Service, and the other songs are great too.

26. Frank Turner - Love, Ire, & Song

Why You Didn't Hear It: It never even crossed your mind that folk-rock from an ex-hardcore British punk could be any good.

Why You Should've: "Substitute" has some of the best lyrics I've ever heard, and it's not even my favorite song on the album.

27. Sound Team - Movie Monster

Why You Didn't Hear It: Pitchfork was your Bible, and you went to Hell for it.

Why You Should've: Fuck Pitchfork.  This is some of the best anthemic indie rock ever recorded.

28. Jason Darling - Night Like My Head

Why You Didn't Hear It: You didn't visit used record stores.

Why You Should've: Darling was folktronica before it was cool.

29. Nightmare of You - Nightmare of You

Why You Didn't Hear It: You heard they were emo.

Why You Should've: They're not.  Throw the Jam and the Smiths into a blender, and you've got a band better than both of them.

30. Styrofoam - Nothing's Lost

Why You Didn't Hear It: You claimed you didn't like electronic music because it was too glitchy.

Why You Should've: Sure, it's glitchy, but it has songs and not just soundscapes.  Bonus points for hottie on the cover. 

Baseball Is Lame! Toilets Are Awesome!

Just read an article in The New York Times about the bathrooms at the new Yankee Stadium and Citi Field.  It contained the following sentence:

Groups including the American Restroom Association and the World Toilet Organization view quick access to clean public toilets as no laughing matter. 

No laughing matter?  The World Toilet Organization is like the funniest thing I've ever heard of.  I went to their website, which is even better because they call themselves WTO.  You know, like the World Trade Organization.  Hahahaha.  The American Restroom Association's website is pretty much crap.

Here's a cat taking a pee.

Hell Isn't Even That Funny

I am going to be incredibly cool right now.  How dare me include on my list Chris Glover's Hell Isn't Even That Funny, an album that was never officially released.  So I'm going to provide a link to download it.  The catch?  There's always a catch.  You have to make the same promise I did to Chris.  If you dig this one (and you will), you must purchase his next one.  I'd say that's fair.  He's currently recording under the name Penguin Prison.

Lil Wayne Sucks

The cover story for Rolling Stone this week was on Lil Wayne.  Because I don't listen to the radio or watch MTV, I'm fairly unfamiliar with Weezy, but I read the article 'cause I'm not reading a book at the moment.  Wayne claims he's the "talentedest nigga ever," and while I've only ever listened to one of his songs all the way through, I would disagree.  If I had to give out a Talentedest Nigga Ever Award, I'd probably give it to Booker T. Washington.  Not only was he a guiding force at Tuskegee; he made some fabulous records with the MG's.

In searching for a clip of Lil Wayne performing in a high school production of The Wiz on YouTube, I could not find it, but did find what appears to be a common sub-genre on the site: The "Lil Wayne Sucks" Video.  Apparently a lot of people like to turn on their webcam for up to ten minutes and just start talking shit about Lil Wayne.  So I spent my Easter checking out some of them:

Lil Wayne Is GARBAGE!!! by TrueTalkTV

Gist: Guy knew what he wanted to get across and keeps it brief, but the example he gives of a good rapper (his cousin) isn't any good.

Made it to: 2:02/2:22

Watched: 86%

Views: 20,995

Lil Wayne Sucks by Newpalproductions

Gist: Somebody behind the camera thinks this guy is funny, but not me.

Made it to: 1:41/3:32

Watched: 48%

Views: 161,261

Lil Wayne Sucks Nuts by SquirtlesDad

Gist: He put some time into this one, but that doesn't make it good.  He did make me laugh when he said, "It's pretty old, but ain't growin' hairs."

Made it to: 3:49/5:28

Watched: 70%

Views: 56,844

Lil Wayne Sucks by doggierind

Gist: No one knows where Queequeg or wherever the hell you live is, so we don't care.  What's even worse is this guy is attractive.  He should be out getting some, not making ten-minute-long webcam videos about Lil Wayne.

Made it to: 2:41/9:46

Watched: 27%

Views: 6,850

Lil Wayne Sucks! by Delroy1405

Gist: Delroy is too emotional about it and seems unprepared.

Made it to: 1:05/4:59

Watched: 22%

Views: 1,590

Lil' Wayne by MattLFJr

Gist: Turns out it wasn't a "Lil Wayne Sucks" vid, but I enjoyed everything except for the Lil Wayne part.

Made it to: 1:02/1:02

Watched: 100%

Views: 142

HQ Biscuits! by MattLFJr

Gist: Not Lil Wayne, but this kid cracks me up.

Made it to: 1:06/1:06

Watched: 100%

Views: 193

iMatt by MattLFJr

Gist: "The camera loves you."

Made it to: 1:04/1:04

Watched: 100%

Views: 51

Verdict: Lil Wayne sucks.  "Lil Wayne Sucks" videos suck.  Matt rocks.  See all his videos here.

50 Albums You Didn't Hear Before You Were Brutally Raped & Murdered (11-20)

11. Faded Paper Figures - Dynamo

Why You Didn't Hear It: There has been no press for them like at all.

Why You Should've: It takes the place of the sophomore Postal Service album we'll never get.

12. Blitzen Trapper - Field Rexx

Why You Didn't Hear It: You heard "Furr" on KEXP and liked it, but were too lazy to check out their back catalog.

Why You Should've: Stylistically, it's a perfect balance between the scatterbrained Wild Mountain Nation Blitzen Trapper and the focused Furr Blitzen Trapper.

13. Filomath - Filomath

Why You Didn't Hear It: The lead singer wasn't on American Idol.

Why You Should've: It's pop/rock at its most poppy and most rocking.

14. Animal Liberation Orchestra - Fly Between Falls

Why You Didn't Hear It: You thought all jam bands were Grateful Dead rip-offs.

Why You Should've: ALO know how to jam, but they also prove they can write some amazing songs.

15. Johnathan Rice - Further North

Why You Didn't Hear It: You were lusting after Jenny Lewis so much that you just couldn't believe you weren't her boyfriend.

Why You Should've: When you mix country and rock, you should get this, not that bullshit on CMT.

16. Mike Doughty - Haughty Melodic

Why You Didn't Hear It: You liked Soul Coughing so much that you couldn't bear to try Doughty solo.

Why You Should've: Doughty's poetic lyrics are even better when they're not being smothered by weird samples.

17. Cody Chesnutt - The Headphone Masterpiece

Why You Didn't Hear It: Double-albums scared you.

Why You Should've: After a few listens (with headphones, mind you), you'd realize that this collection of ideas both developed and half-baked truly is a soulful masterpiece.

18. Peter Salett - Heart of Mine

Why You Didn't Hear It: You didn't know Guitar Dude from Wet Hot American Summer was actually a "guitar dude."

Why You Should've: On this one, Peter runs the gamut of folk-rock styles, stringing them together with his expressive voice.

19. Mobius Band - Heaven

Why You Didn't Hear It: You don't visit Daytrotter.

Why You Should've: Extremely catchy songs without ever being pop.

20. Chris Glover - Hell Isn't Even That Funny

Why You Didn't Hear It: Interscope never released it.

Why You Should've: Glover claims he makes music for someone who listens to a lot of different genres, and he's absolutely right on this lost treasure.

Piracy Solution

There's still a U.S. captain being held by pirates off of Somalia.  And everybody's still trying to figure out what to do.  Isn't it obvious?  Throw those fuckers a treasure map.  Pirates love that shit.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (for Real)

An article in the New York Times claims scientists in Brooklyn have been able to tamper with the level of a substance called PKMzeta in animals' brains, effectively erasing their memories.  The hope is that they can extend this to humans, and choose certain unfavorable remembrances (trauma, addiction, etc.) to erase.  In doing so, they also hope to discover ways to strengthen the memory, curbing Alzheimer's and dementia.

Maybe they need to watch the movie before they go all Lacuna, Inc. on us.  Only briefly questioned in the article is the fact that this will require a drug, and once people start erasing particular memories, will they begin experimenting to erase others?  Won't they just be substituting one addiction for another?  Do people not realize that our experiences are what make us who we are?  Look, I'm all for strengthening recall and getting rid of Alzheimer's, but let's work on that before we go erasing the memories we still have.